Cinco de Asshole

Fatass dressing up in a
highly offensive holiday costume.

Today, around college campuses everywhere, people are getting drunk in honor of the independence of a country we don't give a damn about and are usually very offensive to every other day of the year. And you know what? I'm not a holier-than-thou prick. I'm just as bad as every other American douche on Cinco de Mayo. The difference is that I acknowledge it. Though it's very tough to have fun on Cinco de Mayo when you're not able to drink alcohol.

But you're not here to read about me, are you? Nah, didn't think so. Time for more of the fat asshole!

Today, Fatass decided that he'd just not go to his 8am class, because he's doing ooooooh so grand in all his classes. He's een-veen-cee-bull, remember? He can just unleash one of his magical farts and all will be right in the world. How wonderful it must be to be as jaded as he. If I didn't hate him with every fiber of my being, I'd fear for him in the real world, but at this point, I hope the real world not only squashes him like a bug, but I also hope that the real world is one of those cruel kids that dismembers the bug, leaving no semblance of it whatsoever, just random bugparts.

Aaaaaaaaaaanywho... I'm back from class today, and after about 5 minutes of solitude, what happens? Fatass comes lumbering in, with Bitchface in tow. Seriously, what the fuck. This is three god damn days in a row, and you're not getting any when I'm in the room! Stop bringing her over!

So they come back, he takes off his coat, starts trashing on someone and says, "oh yeah, after being pinned against the wall four times, I'd avoid me too," sprays more of his Bod fragrance, and leaves.

Let's make this absolutely clear. I would not put up with him pinning ME against the wall to begin with. If he gets PMS and starts to get violent with me like he does with everyone else in his miserable life, he can bet his bottom dollar that I will not play fair.

See, I'm all for fighting by the rules and respect and all that, but again, respect is earned. If I am pinned against the wall, I will kick him in the balls until they're lodged so far in his body that they become ovaries. After he's doubled over in pain, I will stomp his worthless head into the floor until it gets through his thick skull that he picked the wrong guy to fuck with. But oops, it was all self-defense! He came at me!

I am absolutely sick of this bullshit, and now that finals are coming up, it's stressing me out even more. Maybe he could make the world a better place and just get hit by a car already. But that's highly doubtful, because my luck sucks.

DISCLAIMER: The above statements were meant as a coping mechanism and should not be misconstrued as threats of actual violence. Just thought I'd throw that out there, because yes, I am a very angry fellow.