Whoopee! We've all gone broke!

... Oh fuck.

In lieu of the fact that I've still got no roommate and that I need to retune my blogging skills through practice, I've decided that it's a good time to break out the whole "social commentary" thing that most bloggers do. I still fully intend to have 2 weeks of "greatest hits" starting next Sunday, but I've gotta get back into the habit of regular posts again.

Anyway, this is a subject that affects us - that's right, you and me. It gives us a chance to bond about something other than a douchebag roommate, and that's the global fucking economy and how it's circling the drain.

Now, most of us live with debt. Anybody who buys a house, goes to school, or has a credit card knows alllllll about debt. I have no advice for you as to how to live debt free because yeah, student loans. But that's not what this is about. This is about the country's debt and how it went from damn stable in the late 90's to "holy fuck, we're gonna die" over the past four years.

So keeping this in mind, I have several helpful ways the United States government can handle this debt situation and get us back on top. It's not liberal, it's not conservative, it's just plain old common fucking sense.

1.) Tax the everliving fuck out of the rich. If they've got gazillions to pay for a mansion in cash, they can pony up a little bit more cash come tax day. Hell, if Steve Jobs can singlehandedly save the country from defaulting on the debt, then he can pay a little extra every April 15th. If he whines about it, send the Navy SEALs to his place and have them practice the Bin Laden routine on him.

2.) Fix the foodstamps system and Medicaid. I know that some people legitimately need this, since they're in between jobs or they're just unable to work. I get this. But I live in a county where a good 2/3 of the population is on government assistance, and it pisses me off. These aren't your "good" government assistance customers. These are your "what do you mean I can't buy beer with my foodstamps" customers that make me want to beat them down with the nearest register scale.

So how do we fix these assistance programs? Well, first off, eliminate the cash option on foodstamps. Isn't it enough that we're giving them the money for food? By giving people with foodstamps a cash allowance of another $100, it just becomes an excuse for "Hey! Yes I CAN buy beer on this here magic card!"

As for Medicaid, I'm all for a zero copay on birth control there. The one thing we don't need is multiplication of these cheating-the-system fuckheads. The unfortunate thing is that people with Medicaid have more benefits than people with regular insurance. If Medicaid can become more selective in their care, that might slash prices, but I don't have any fucking clue about that. The most healthcare experience I have is being a pill counter at the local pharmacy. That gives me enough qualification to know that Medicaid customers are the worst kind of evil cunt that has ever roamed the earth. If someone throws a fit about their supply of brand name acid reducer, which costs your non-Medicaid customer $20 in some instances, it makes you want to stab them in the throat with your counting spatula.

3.) Pump stocks in fast food. Fuck Microsoft and all that shit. If people don't have the money, they aren't going to be buying Windows 8.5.2.187. They're going to be buying their Big Mac with a large order of fries and justifing it with a Diet Coke. I'm no economic expert, so I don't even care if I'm wrong on this, but it just seems like a more worthwhile investment in the long run. Three things you can count on in life - the sun will rise in the east, the Cubs will lose, and rednecks will be at McDonalds for any meal they can. Wait, on second thought, maybe not. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T USE FOODSTAMPS HERE??????"

4.) Bump up the age for Social Security benefits. If our country is on the "cutting edge of medical science", allowing humans to live longer than ever before, it should allow them to work longer than ever before. Now, I'm not saying we should send Grandpa out to the mines, but a nice office job where Grandpa can cuss out the annoying folks would be right up his alley. But what about family? Well, if they weren't knocking people up as teens, and then having teens that would become knocked up in turn, then we wouldn't be in this mess. See #2 and it'll be fine. If we can get someone to live until they're 100+, they can work for 40+ years, 50+ if it's a job that doesn't require manual labor. If old people want to be treated like valued members of the society, they can work like valued members of the society. However, as an act of kindness, you may keep the Early Bird Special.

5.) Government Pawn Shop Day. This is verrrrrrry socialist, but unlike the Soviet regimes, this will be one day where hey, if you've got 4 extra TV's just lying around and you need a new coffeemaker and microwave, then fuck it! Let's make a deal! Straight up pawning; no cash in or out. *NOTE: Older relatives may not be pawned out. How will this help the economy? It will help consumers get back into a mode where they're comfortable and secure enough to give up their unneeded possessions without going someone else going flat broke. Stimulate the buying of goods through barter, and then turn the cash on the next day. Sure it's not plausible, but who fucking cares? I don't see YOU coming up with any ideas.

So there they are. Just a few ideas to help get the US economy going again, which will, in turn, hopefully stimulate the global economy as well. Here's hoping.