That's just disgusting and unsanitary

So Bitchface is sick. What does Fatass decide to do? He decides to let Bitchface sleep in his bed, using his sheets and pillow. I didn't even notice her curled up into a ball on his bed until a half hour later when I heard an unfamiliar snoring. I look over to the bed and HOLY JUMPING FUCKING CHRIST. There's a sick Bitchface tucked under his covers. It was the most disturbing thing I've seen in a while.

The icing on the cake? Apparently it's Bess's birthday. Happy birthday, Bess. Someone's been sleeping in your douchebag boyfriend's bed.

Pardon me while I go to the Center for Disease Control to get my room bleached.

Phone Phun, Part II

So redneck we need a retard in
our room playing a banjo.

Fatass is being obnoxiously loud while talking on the phone to Bess, so I'm going to be a dick right back and post all of his retarded comments on the blog. You know it, you love it. What you'll read is exactly what he's said on his phone conversation to Bess, and then my comments about it.

Let me set the mood for you by telling you that he's laying on his bed in his boots, the mud dripping down onto the place where he sleeps. He lifted up his shirt so that (surprisingly) his bitchtits are covered, but his gut is flopping out, and he's playing with his bellybutton. Gee, why did you get an ear infection, Fatass? Maybe you should stop picking your bellybutton and/or asshole then shoving your finger in your fucking ear.

"I keep hearing the word "terminal" and I think about guns and killing you." That's what he just said to Bess. Seriously, Fatass has issues. Normal people think of computers or airports or something else. For a psychology major, you think he'd pick up on the fact that he's as fucked up in the head as they come.

Oh, and here we go with two minutes of "I loveums you". Hooray. My night has just become fucking fantastic. Clearly, Fatass hasn't taken Penn Jillette's words. Sorry, Penn.

And now he's telling Bess that he refuses to see her when she's sick. "It better not be contagious or I'm going to kill you." Nice. K-Star, if I ever say that, you have permission to castrate me with a rusty knife, okay? You'd think that Fatass would want to make his girlfriend better, but nope. "I'm sorry, I can't afford to be sick."
Yeah, his state healthcare hasn't kicked in. Yep, he told me about it, so it's not just a guess here. He wants to suck on the state tit. Too bad the application hasn't gone through. Good to see that Big State justice still works. He doesn't have health insurance. Cry me a river. You know what? I got fucking swine flu without health insurance. You know what you do? You take as much over the counter shit and pray for the best. He's bitching about a little cold. Fuck you and everyone that looks like you, Fatass. Just thought I'd throw in another disclaimer, letting everyone know that I don't hate fat people. I just hate obnoxious selfish douchebags and I will make fun of anything and everything about them.

(really loud obnoxious yawn)

"I'd very much love to go see my sister and my niece and nephew." Yup, get the condoms and sex lube ready there, Fatass. Apparently, he's completely ditching Bess on spring break and refuses to see her at all the entire week. "I just need to get away from the area." Wow. What a bitch.

Now he's doing some cutesy voice saying, "I wanna play!" Yup, predatorial instincts. It's time to play the game, bitch, and this isn't one of those fun games. It's all about the pain and who's gonna make it. And now he's telling Bess that he's leaving to go visit Bitchface. Funny, I thought you told her you were never gonna see Bitchface again. You must have been a controlling asshole and told her that she doesn't have a choice.

(really loud obnoxious yawn)

(annoying fart noises into the phone)

"Am I bothering you," he asks Bess (I think). Yes you are, you god damn piece of monkey shit.

(obnoxious yawn)

"I loveums you." Yup, and now Bess is in a bad mood because Fatass is hanging out with Bitchface. Now Fatass is getting pissed and verbally abusive.

Apparently now he's sorry and they're talking about herpes. Hooray. "I'm sorry, I just go to school with a bunch of fucking children, and they need to be fucking beat." Yeah, and so do you. You're the biggest fucking child of them all, you self-indulgent redneck cunt.

Now they're talking about when they met, and how Bess felt that Fatass was more like a big brother to her. Yup, more incest and now rape. Awesome. This is so redneck we need to have a retard in our room playing a banjo. Another "I loveums you". Yuck.

(belch, then fart noise)

Yeah, I'm done with this fucking shit. Hope you enjoyed, but I'm off to go do something that doesn't rhyme with "unching him in the face", because that may result in a hefty lawsuit. Get it? Yeah, he didn't.

So that was cool... in 1996.

So now Fatass is sick. He comes in yesterday and is in a pissy mood and goes, "Hey... I might get you sick. Just wanted to give you the heads up." Yeah, no. I'm not getting sick just because of Fatass's weak immune system. Maybe if he wore a fucking shirt every once in a while, he wouldn't get sick. Seriously, if he'd just put his bitchtits away and stopped licking the shower floor, started using soap and shower shoes, he might actually stop "coughing up green phlegm", as he so kindly told me last night. I'm not touching my garbage can until he goes and dumps it. He's hocking loogies into it like he's getting paid for it. I may just throw up.

So instead of him going to classes at 8am, Fatass decided to camp in the room, fully awake, while I had to go shower and stuff. I enjoy Tuesdays and Thursdays becuase I can change into my towel in my room rather than doing it in the disgusting bathroom. But nope, today he decides he's got a little cold, so that means he's gotta let everything drop. He's not that sick. He's fully awake and watching TV at obnoxiously loud levels. I find that if I'm severely sick, I decide to sleep and, you know, TURN THE FUCKING VOLUME DOWN.

But nope, even when "sick", he's gotta be the biggest douchebag in the whole wide world. What a fuck. So while I was attempting to do my four page case study for CLASS, Fatass is laying in his bed with his god damn fucking shirt off, watching the movie Space Jam. You know, the one with Michael Jordan and all the Looney Tunes gang. So it wasn't even good TV that he was blaring.

Now, that movie was awesome back in 1996 when it first came out. It was revolutionary, featured awesome cameos (Newman...), and was an exciting movie for someone who was 12 years old. However, when we're in fucking college and I'm trying to DO A FUCKING CASE STUDY FOR A CLASS, that's just made of fuckwad.

So here's what I'm thinking. While he's trying to sleep at 9pm, I'm just gonna crank my TV on something obnoxious at a loud level. However, I'll plug my headphones into my computer so I don't have to listen to the Jonas Brothers on Disney Channel. I'll be listening to my iTunes while I can torment him with whatever the fuck they're doing. Hell, maybe Justin Beiber can make a cameo. The only time I'll catch Beiber fever is if it annoys the hell out of my roommate.

Besides, he slept from 9pm to 9am anyway. That's a good 12 hours of sleep right there. Bullshit, fuck you, you're not that sick.