Thursday, February 10, 2011

And there it is!

It hasn't been seen for two days... It's disappearance has become the talk of newspeople, entertainers, college professors, and professional observers everywhere. But today, it made its return, seemingly bigger than ever before.

My friends, the crack is back. It's staring at me, trying to get me to look at it. The coarse back hair that trails down to it is attempting to tease me. It's as if his whole body thinks that it should be looked at, as if some sort of genetic marvel that combined the tits of a woman with the body hair of a man. Too bad it hasn't realized that it's disgusting and OH MY FUCKING GOD! He's got red sores on his back. Like bleeding red sores. I guess that's what happens when you don't shower, but fuck! John Mayer, in all of HIS creepiness, would say that his body is a hideous wasteland. Oh, and now he notices he's bleeding, wipes up some blood, looks at it, and rubs his ear. I may just vomit.

Oh, I forgot to mention that he's on the phone with Bess. It's a miracle, because she hasn't been here for two days. Maybe Bess got upset enough that he got the picture. So I'm trying to mind my business, but he talks awfully loud, just like most of the other things he does, so I can't help but eavesdrop.

Oh, here's something else that makes me want to lock him into a port-a-john and set it on fire (quote courtesy George Carlin)...

K-Star and I are a normal, loving couple (as far as I know). When we wish to proclaim our love over the phone, we say, in a normal voice, "I love you." This is just like most people in America. But Fatass, and I think this may go back to his desire to pork young girls, says, "I loveums you..." in this singsong voice that makes me want to slap him in the mouth. And when Bess doesn't do it back, he gets mad. He insists that she say, "I loveums you" back. Maybe it's all a part of the preteen sexual thrill for him, but for me it's something that makes me want to stab him in the throat.

Now Fatass is attempting to give Bess homework help... for the HIGH SCHOOL homework she has. HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!! Please tell me I'm not the only one who wants to call Chris Hansen on him! But apparently, she's attempting to do homework, and he's on the phone distracting her. There it is again with the "I loveums you". Here's the deal, Fatass - say that one more time, and then I'll be saying "I killums you" while stabbing him with a disposable plastic knife. Dirty fuckhead.

And now he's laying down on his back, so his hairy mantits are sticking straight up. I think he may be giving himself a self breast exam, but I'm not about to look over his way. So now, an open letter.

Dear K-Star,

Please send me a pic of your boobs so I can remember what real boobs are supposed to look like. After seeing all this manboob, I'm afraid that I may be turned off to all boobs. I need to make sure I can still get a boner from boobs. Thanks!

"I loveums you" Love,
Pissed

Seriously, it's not just my sanity that's being affected by this fuckhead. Being forced to look at his disgusting bitchtits may have turned me completely off to all tits. What Fatass does the second he enters the room is take his shirt off. Sometimes he forgets to close the door before doing so. I think he may be in love with them. I haven't seen any push-up bras around here, but I figure he's got a drawer for that. Another open letter:

To my cousin, the Fed,

Can you please come cap this bastard and make it look like an accident?

Thanks.

"I loveums you" With much family love,
Pissed

That's right. Who's got two thumbs and is in rare form tonight? This guy. Now he's saying that The Giver is a good book. Honestly, I never read it. It was required reading in 7th grade, so I obviously blew it off and made up my book reports. So I'm not sure if it's a good book, but all I can think of is homosexuality. Is Fatass seriously trying to come on to me? I'm beginning to fear for my cornhole.

To my cousin, the Fed,

Please come cap his ass ASAP.

"I loveums you" Please hurry,
Pissed

Fatass now says that he's got a lot of work to catch up on. You'd never know it, seeing as he's either on the phone with Bess or with Bitchface whenever he's not in class. Have you ever had one of those moments like in the movie Liar, Liar, where Jim Carrey's character has the convict on the phone asking for advice after being jailed again, and he just yells into the phone, "STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!!!"

Yeah, I'm feeling that right now. You want to actually get your shit done? "STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!!!" Stop talking to your barely legal girlfriend. Stop hanging out with Bitchface. Stop trying to come on to me. Maybe shower with soap every once in a fucking while. And for the love of all things holy, stop playing with your nipples, you disgusting inbred hillbilly fuck.

Here's where I'm going to have to leave you, my friends. I think I'm going to go throw up now. I leave you with one last open letter.

To my friends,

Normally I would ask you to come kill me now to put me out of my misery. However, I don't see any of this shit as my fault. If you can send all your rays of hatred toward my roommate, maybe he'll just spontaneously combust.

"I loveums you",
Pissed

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