Just Bring It

So apparently, I'm not the only one that's had issues with Fatass over the course of his pitiful, meaningless existence. Today, I've learned that one of my loyal readers actually lived across the hall from Fatass for a little while, and the stories he's told me are quite interesting.

Apparently, as we've established from his phone conversations with Bess, Fatass is an emotionally unstable, quick to anger, manic aggressive cuntwad that should die in the most horrible and gruesome way possible. Apparently, Fatass had issued death threats to this reader for having his stereo too loud. On another occassion, Fatass picked this reader up. Attempting to break free of his grip, the reader grabbed Fatass's greasy slimeball hair so that he wouldn't fall over. Fatass threw him against a door, causing the reader to bleed from his head. Now, I can't prove if any of this is true or not, but I believe my readers over Fatass 10 times out of 10.

"So, Pissy," you're saying. "What happens if Fatass finds out the blog and comes after you?" Well, dear readers, the thought has crossed my mind, and I've come up with the perfect solution. Fatass likes to use knives. He has a long cutting knife in his closet that he never uses, so I don't even fucking know why he has it. Probably to issue death threats.

So what do I do? Well, what I've got that he doesn't is a pair of legs that work, a cardiovascular system that won't shut down when I try to run, and I've also got the smarts to know when to flee. However, I won't need to run, because at the first sign of him coming at me with a knife, I've got that mini TV that I had to bring. The second he walks toward me, I've got it rigged so I can rip the cables right out and then smash him over the head with it repeatedly until he's out cold. And then, for good measure, I take the knife and castrate him. I don't want to be up close and personal with Fatass's tiny pecker, but hey, anything to stop that from infecting the gene pool. I may have to bleach my hands afterward, though.

However, the difference between me and him is that I'd be doing it for self defense... except for the castration part, which is for the good of society as a whole. Do I think it'll ever come down to that? No, I don't. Besides, I think I could kill him just by pushing a bottle of body wash in his face. Let him melt a la Wicked Witch of the West.

So, to sum up my feelings about if Fatass gets aggressive toward me and tries to indimitate me, I will quote the movie Jarhead. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the baddest mother fucker in the God damn valley."