Back at school

So hey, everyone. I have safely arrived at Big State University, and I am exhausted. I spent the entire day just unpacking my crap and going to the store to get more crap, and then finally got the chance to relax. Expect an update tomorrow... or later today... whatever.

Yup, I suck

Yes, I fail. I know.

So yeah, I'm a douche. Those two weeks of greatest hits and the whole blogging thing during summer? Yeah, didn't happen.

I know. I suck, I'm horrible for misleading you, I take my medicine like a man.

But anyway, instead of making promises I forget about the second I'm able to get outside and enjoy the sunshine, I'll just tell you that I'll be back to posting full time very soon. I'm headed back up to Big State University this Saturday, so I should be able to discover some sort of posting schedule once I get back there.

Again, really sorry, and I'm looking forward to coming up with new material to keep you all... well... enterained? Yeah, let's go with that.

Whoopee! We've all gone broke!

... Oh fuck.

In lieu of the fact that I've still got no roommate and that I need to retune my blogging skills through practice, I've decided that it's a good time to break out the whole "social commentary" thing that most bloggers do. I still fully intend to have 2 weeks of "greatest hits" starting next Sunday, but I've gotta get back into the habit of regular posts again.

Anyway, this is a subject that affects us - that's right, you and me. It gives us a chance to bond about something other than a douchebag roommate, and that's the global fucking economy and how it's circling the drain.

Now, most of us live with debt. Anybody who buys a house, goes to school, or has a credit card knows alllllll about debt. I have no advice for you as to how to live debt free because yeah, student loans. But that's not what this is about. This is about the country's debt and how it went from damn stable in the late 90's to "holy fuck, we're gonna die" over the past four years.

So keeping this in mind, I have several helpful ways the United States government can handle this debt situation and get us back on top. It's not liberal, it's not conservative, it's just plain old common fucking sense.

1.) Tax the everliving fuck out of the rich. If they've got gazillions to pay for a mansion in cash, they can pony up a little bit more cash come tax day. Hell, if Steve Jobs can singlehandedly save the country from defaulting on the debt, then he can pay a little extra every April 15th. If he whines about it, send the Navy SEALs to his place and have them practice the Bin Laden routine on him.

2.) Fix the foodstamps system and Medicaid. I know that some people legitimately need this, since they're in between jobs or they're just unable to work. I get this. But I live in a county where a good 2/3 of the population is on government assistance, and it pisses me off. These aren't your "good" government assistance customers. These are your "what do you mean I can't buy beer with my foodstamps" customers that make me want to beat them down with the nearest register scale.

So how do we fix these assistance programs? Well, first off, eliminate the cash option on foodstamps. Isn't it enough that we're giving them the money for food? By giving people with foodstamps a cash allowance of another $100, it just becomes an excuse for "Hey! Yes I CAN buy beer on this here magic card!"

As for Medicaid, I'm all for a zero copay on birth control there. The one thing we don't need is multiplication of these cheating-the-system fuckheads. The unfortunate thing is that people with Medicaid have more benefits than people with regular insurance. If Medicaid can become more selective in their care, that might slash prices, but I don't have any fucking clue about that. The most healthcare experience I have is being a pill counter at the local pharmacy. That gives me enough qualification to know that Medicaid customers are the worst kind of evil cunt that has ever roamed the earth. If someone throws a fit about their supply of brand name acid reducer, which costs your non-Medicaid customer $20 in some instances, it makes you want to stab them in the throat with your counting spatula.

3.) Pump stocks in fast food. Fuck Microsoft and all that shit. If people don't have the money, they aren't going to be buying Windows 8.5.2.187. They're going to be buying their Big Mac with a large order of fries and justifing it with a Diet Coke. I'm no economic expert, so I don't even care if I'm wrong on this, but it just seems like a more worthwhile investment in the long run. Three things you can count on in life - the sun will rise in the east, the Cubs will lose, and rednecks will be at McDonalds for any meal they can. Wait, on second thought, maybe not. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T USE FOODSTAMPS HERE??????"

4.) Bump up the age for Social Security benefits. If our country is on the "cutting edge of medical science", allowing humans to live longer than ever before, it should allow them to work longer than ever before. Now, I'm not saying we should send Grandpa out to the mines, but a nice office job where Grandpa can cuss out the annoying folks would be right up his alley. But what about family? Well, if they weren't knocking people up as teens, and then having teens that would become knocked up in turn, then we wouldn't be in this mess. See #2 and it'll be fine. If we can get someone to live until they're 100+, they can work for 40+ years, 50+ if it's a job that doesn't require manual labor. If old people want to be treated like valued members of the society, they can work like valued members of the society. However, as an act of kindness, you may keep the Early Bird Special.

5.) Government Pawn Shop Day. This is verrrrrrry socialist, but unlike the Soviet regimes, this will be one day where hey, if you've got 4 extra TV's just lying around and you need a new coffeemaker and microwave, then fuck it! Let's make a deal! Straight up pawning; no cash in or out. *NOTE: Older relatives may not be pawned out. How will this help the economy? It will help consumers get back into a mode where they're comfortable and secure enough to give up their unneeded possessions without going someone else going flat broke. Stimulate the buying of goods through barter, and then turn the cash on the next day. Sure it's not plausible, but who fucking cares? I don't see YOU coming up with any ideas.

So there they are. Just a few ideas to help get the US economy going again, which will, in turn, hopefully stimulate the global economy as well. Here's hoping.

The latest news

So the new semester is right around the corner. I'm going to take one more week off to enjoy summer, and then will be posting two weeks of "greatest hits" for the two weeks leading up to my arrival at Big State University.

Thanks for being patient with me, and I assure you that I'm still pissy as ever. Looking forward to posting again soon!

Summer Update!

My ideal summer destination.

Hello, fellow Pissyheads!


So it's been a couple months since my last update and since I've ridded myself of Fatass for good. Now it seems that I'll be getting a single room for the next year here at Big State University, which means that there will be no roommate.


Fret not, however! I chose to take a suite, so I will still have three suitemates to deal with. Hopefully one of them can get on my nerves enough for me to blog about. We shall see. Anyway, I hope everyone's summer holiday is going well, and I'll try to throw in another update at some other point this summer - just so you know that I'm still alive and well.

For those of you that are concerned, the second I arrive back at Big State University, I will be sending a blog post out to all of you. That's scheduled to be on August 27th, so look out! Due to this move, however, I will no longer be in Generic Residence Hall. I'm going to be moving to Fancy Residence Hall, which is completely renovated and built for seniors only. I'll take it, though!

'Til next time, be sure to stay pissy.

My final address of the semester



 Good evening. Tonight, I can report to my loyal Pissyheads and to the world...

Your favorite Pissy blogger has conducted an operation that has eliminated the importance of Fatass, the smelly, hairy wart of the world, and a domestic terrorist who was responsible for the annoyance of thousands of innocent men and women and children on the campus of Big State University.

It was nearly ten months ago that a bright August day was darkened by the sheer mass of his fat gut. The images of his atrocities are seared into our collective memory; massive B cups bouncing through a cloudless August sky, the dining hall staff collapsing to keep up with his insatiable appetite, hairy asscrack billowing up from pants that don't fit, the wreckage of peace and quiet in Generic Residence Hall, where the inaction of useless RAs caused even more heartbreak and destruction.

At yet, we know the worst images are those that were unseen to the world; the broken seats at dining hall tables, children who were forced to run from his hideous stench, parents who would never allow their children to eat that much, nearly six thousand students running from him, leaving a gaping hole in their wake.

On August 28th, 2010, in our time of grief, I pulled it together. I offered my neighbors a hand, and I offered to spend time in the library. I reaffirmed my ties to the students in my major, and my love of fresh air and sunshine. On that day, no matter where we came from, what god we prayed to, or what race or ethnicity we were, we were united as one pissy family. We were also united in our resolve to protect our noses and to bring Fatass and his horrendous smells to justice.

We quickly learned that the horrific stench wasn't from shoes or laundry, but from Fatass, a rotund man with a tiny brain and massive delusions of grandeur, which had openly declared wars on our eyes and nostrils, and was committed to being a gigantic douchebag to innocents on our campus and around the city.

So this blog was made to go to war against Fatass; to protect the innocent, our friends, and our allies. Over the last ten months, thanks to the tireless and heroic work of you, the Pissyheads, we have made great strides in that effort. We've disrupted noxious attacks on noses and strengthened our use of the English language. At Big State University, we have removed any favorable light that Fatass may have been portrayed in. Around the globe, we have worked with our friends and allies to ensure that no man, woman or child ever acts like Fatass, or anyone who is associated with him or his douchebag ways.

Yet, Fatass avoided retribution, and escaped across the hall and into Bitchface's arms. Meanwhile, his fat manboobs continued to sway across the campus, and create annoyance through his affiliates, namely Bitchface. And so, shortly after creating this blog, I directed my Big State University Pissyheads, to make the constant annoyance and hinderance of Fatass their top priority of our war against him. Even as I continued my broader efforts to disrupt, dismantle, and defeat his morale.

Then, last week, after months of painstaking work by myself and my fellow Pissyheads in the Big State University community, I was briefed that the semester was ending and that finals week had begun. It was far from certain, and it took many hours to confirm that the semester was indeed coming to a halt. I met repeatedly with my BSU Pissyheads, as we began studying for finals, and explored the possibility that we had located a problem for Fatass, in the fact that he won't have anybody to push around anymore.

And finally, last week, I determined that I had enough intelligence to take action and authorized an operation to avenge this shitty school year and bring Fatass to justice. This past week, at my direction, the Pissyheads launched an operation against Fatass, and disrupted his sex time with Bess. A small team of Pissyheads carried out the operation with extraordinary courage and capability. No Pissyheads were harmed. The took care to avoid recognition. After door knocking and phone calling, they disengaged any sexual activity and took great relief in knowing he didn't have a chance to receive pleasure.

For over two semesters, Fatass has been the leader and symbol of the word "douchebag", and has continued to plot ways to disrupt our following, our friends, and our allies. The end of the semester marks the most significant achievement to date in our community's effort to defeat douchebaggery. The end of finals does not mark the end of our efforts. There's no doubt that Fatass will continue to not shower. We must, and we will, remain vigilant at home and abroad.

As we do, we must also reaffirm that the Pissyheads are not and never will be at war with overweight people. I've made clear that our war is not against overweight people, because Fatass was not an overweight leader. He was a douchebag that took advantage of overweight people as well. Indeed, his cutoff sleeves offended overweight people in many communities, including our own. So his demise should be welcomed by all who believe in showering and human dignity.

Over these months, I've repeatedly made clear that I would take action within this room if I was able to get away with it. That is what I've done, through farting on his pillow and sweeping dust bunnies under his bed. It is important to note that my counterterrorism efforts within this room helped lead to proper retribution. Indeed, Fatass declared war against this room as well, and completely ruined the bed he slept on.

Tonight, I looked at the mattress and found out the reason why it squeaks so much - because he broke it. It can be agreed that the end of the semester is a good and historic day for both me and the condition of this room, and going forward, it is essential that this matress be replaced.

The Pissyheads did not choose this fight. It came to our shores and started with the senseless lack of respect to me. After nearly ten months of putting up with him, struggling, and sacrificing, we know well the cost of a douchebag roommate. The actions of this asshole weigh on me every time I, as author, have to write a blog about how he offended someone that wasn't me, or looking into the eyes of someone he's verbally or physically abused. So Pissyheads and BSU students understand the costs of this douchebag.

Yet, as a community, we will never tolerate our pursuit of happiness being threatened, nor stand idly by when our people have been offended. We will be relentless in defense of the innocent, and our friends and allies. We will be true to the values that make us who we are. And on nights like this one, we can say to those students that forcibly lost their peace of mind to Fatass's terror, justice has been done.

Tonight, we give thanks to the professor that failed Fatass. The Pissyheads do not see her work or know her name, but tonight, she feels the satisfaction of her grading policy at work and the result of Fatass not being able to graduate.

We give thanks to the students that didn't tolerate his bullshit. They exemplify the the professionalism, patriotism, and unparalleled courage of those who will go far in the world, and they are part of a generation that has born the heaviest share of the burden since he has come to Big State University.

Finally, let me say to those offended by the sight, smell, and bullying of Fatass, that we have never forgotten your feelings, nor wavered in our commitment to see that we do whatever it takes to prevent another attack on innocent people. And tonight, let us think back to the sense of unity that prevailed when you first read this blog. I know that it has, at times, frayed.

Yet, tonight's achievement is a testament to the greatness of our cause and the determination of the Pissyheads. The cause of securing or campus is not complete, but tonight we are once again reminded that Pissyheads can do whatever we set our minds to. That is the story of our history. Whether it's the pursuit of lame jokes or the struggle for getting his fat ass out the door, our commitment to standing up for our values, or our sacrifices to make the world a better place, let us remember that we can do these things, not just because of wealth or power, but because of who we are - one community, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Thank you. May the summer sun shine down upon you, and may the summer sun shine down on the Pissyheads across the world.

Loosely based on Presidential Address, May 1, 2011.

Fatass fails a class in record time

How Fatass avoids studying.

And the results are in from Fatass's test. Thanks to my friend in the same class that Fatass is failing, I am quite pleased to report that Fatass not only finished the test first in his class, but also that his professor shook her head in disappointment when she saw  his retarded answers. Now he has neither the means to graduate nor the money to come back to complete the degree. Say hello to minimum wage!

While I should probably feel bad about it, I instead feel a strange sense of justice in the fact that this colossal douchebag will not be allowed to have any sort of degree beyond a high school diploma. So now he's talking to Bess on the phone and getting all pissy at her for whatever reason. Then he says, "I have you all to myself on Friday, so I may have to punish you." I vomited in my mouth.

But today was cleaning day for me. While Fatass was gone, I was able to take down all my posters and pack some of the stuff that I don't need over the next two days. I then broke out the broom and swept up my side of the room. Funny thing though: those massive dustbunnies just completely coincidentally seemed to gravitate to the area under his bed. I think it may have to do with his stench.

So let's see... I'm looking around me... all I have to do is pack up my floor lamp and my laptop, take my sheets and pillows out, and bring my TV and fridge back into the car. Oh, and I also have a personal goal of not saying anything to Fatass on the way out, otherwise he may get bombarded with words he can't comprehend about how awful he is.

After today, two days until I'm fucking out of here and I never have to see his hairy bitchtits ever again. But for now, he's laying facing me and of course his shirt is off, so I get to see just how far they sag down his fat body. Fantastic.