Back at school

So hey, everyone. I have safely arrived at Big State University, and I am exhausted. I spent the entire day just unpacking my crap and going to the store to get more crap, and then finally got the chance to relax. Expect an update tomorrow... or later today... whatever.

Fat fucking

So I was just settling into the blergosphere, preparing to type up my efforts of avoiding Fatass while he was at work, but just as I begin to think up a title, he comes walking into my room. Yup, my headphones are still blasting music. Yup, he still tried to talk to me. And guess who's with him! If you guessed former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, you'd be close. It's Bitchface! You know, the girl that Bess doesn't want to have over because of the clear creepiness and the belief of the entire universe that she's fucking him. So instead of saying, "Hey, Bess is coming over. You're gonna have to leave," he decides that it's cool to have Bitchface in the room.

He hangs up and then tells Bitchface, "We've got 20 minutes." Umm... 20 minutes to do what? If you're trying to get her to give you a quickie beej, that's not happening with me in the room. I may just go Izzy Alcantara on them and throw them out the window.

And now Fatass is going into the bathroom to shave. Leaving Bitchface in the room with me. She's just drawing something she calls "art", and I'm sitting here typing mean things about her on a blog. Score one for Mr. Pissed. And yup, the shirt's off, so that means that bitchtits are on display. Are you really surprised at this point? I know I'm not.

So anyway, I'm assuming that Bitchface will be hitting the bricks when Bess gets here. If not, that's just going to be plain fucking awkward. Should be a great night in Generic Residence Hall though. I'll be seeing the trifecta of people I wish would have their genitals forcibly removed so they won't ever be allowed to feel pleasure. Sounds delightful.

Apparently yesterday or today or sometime in the next year is Fatass and Bess's anniversary. You know, marking a year since he asked her to be his underage illegal lover. Oh, the memories they must share. So you know what that means for yours truly tonight, boys and girls? That's right, tonight I will be asked at some point to leave the room for an hour, without being offered anything. Normally, if I'm going to sexile someone and they would normally be in the room, I'll give them five bucks and ask them to go downtown, with the five bucks going toward the miniscule amount of gas it takes to drive downtown (since the campus IS downtown), or to get food or whatever. You know what I get? A shrug and an eyefull of asscrack. Fucking. Douchebag.

Hell, when K-Star is up, I plan our fucking around times when the room will be empty, like a normal person. I have to work tomorrow. If I were the one sexiling, I would wait until the person left for work, and then just make sure to finish things up before they came back. But nope, Fatass is a selfish fuck that will be sexiling me in the weather that's in the teens and won't think anything else of it. "But Pissy," you say, "how do you know this will happen? This seems like a lot of speculation!" How do I know? I know because it's happened before and it will happen again.

And now Fatass is asking Bess if Bitchface can go to dinner with them. If this is their anniversary and he's only taking her to the dining hall, wow buddy. But to invite Bitchface to come along too? That is the height of being a fucking cock. So now Bess is going to be a little while longer, so Bitchface is in the room. I don't know if Bitchface will be able to eat without Fatass there. I guess some mysteries are best left uncared about. But seriously, what the fuck?

And now he's pissed that Bess is calling again. He shouts, "Someone better have died!!!" Uh, wow. Just break up with her and you don't have to hide the fact you're fucking Bitchface anymore. But nope, that makes sense and that would be the decent thing to do. As we all know by now, Fatass has no decency in his entire body, and believe me, there's a LOT of body there.

So you know what I'm going to do tonight until I'm inevitably kicked out? I'm going to be That Guy. You know, the roommate that just sits on his bed and refuses to leave until something is said. Like I've said before, I'm paying $3,000 for this room, so I'm not going to do a fucking douchebag any favors.

Oh, apparently Bitchface is still having problems with her roommate and that's why she's here today. Whatever makes you sleep at night, buddy. And there it is. He wants the room for an hour at 7 o'clock. God forbid he wait until tomorrow when I'm at work to be fucking. I mean, I get it. Sex is good. It's something that I thoroughly enjoy. But come on. Grow up and realize that sometimes you can't fuck whenever you want. That's a part of being an adult. You realize that though sex is really good, you can't have it whenever you want. So now, my plan is to go to dinner at 7, and then come back at 8. You know why? Because I'm That Guy.

Anyway, my pissy mood has been mildly supressed by the fact that K-Star and her awesome roommate Funkmaster have offered to let me in on their reindeer games tonight via Skype. I'm a loser, but it's cool. AND NOW FATASS IS APOLOGIZING TO BITCHFACE THAT HE HAS PLANS TONIGHT!?!?!?!

What in the God damn fucking hell? Seriously, Bess is supposed to be your fucking girlfriend! Here's something you should try. You should try apologizing to your GIRLFRIEND for having another girl in your room every night. Anyway, I'm giving them exactly one hour. I'm going to dinner at 7, and I'm coming back at 8. You know why? That's right. It's because I'm That Guy. Get the picture? Thought so. I have no reason to be nice to this guy and drive downtown, so I'm not going to. They get one hour.

"Hold on there, toots." That's what he said to Bitchface after Bess called. He told Bitchface to hold on while he talked to his girlfriend. What. The. Fuck. Seriously, you should be the first of many in a new government program to sterilize the retarded. Maybe that's a little too Texas tough for some people, but I like it.

So now they just left. Bess is dropping her bag off in the room and then they're all going to dinner. Hope they don't go past 7 at dinner. Just sayin'. Anyway, it's time to wrap this up. If you guys feel an earthquake in your region, don't be alarmed. Just try not to think about it too much.

Postscript: As I was walking back to the room today, I was stuck behind two guys. As we crossed the street, we passed a group of girls that they deemed to be good looking. They proceed to say, "Bay-bay, can I holla?" Now, I'm not sure what this means. To my female readers, what is the proper response to that? Do you say, "Yes you may?" I'm confused.

Dumb Shit My College Does

So before tonight's fun of phone calls, bed lounging, and tobacco smells, my original intent was to post about Big State U. Since I'm not tired and I'm currently enjoying a late night meal of a Subway sub, Baked Lays, and Diet Pepsi (commence corporate cocksucking), I figure I'll continue with the regularly scheduled programming.

So seriously, what the Christ, Big State U?

I realize that Generic Residence Hall was built in 1971, but you'd think that you'd be able to install new locks every once in a while??? I guess not.

This was the tangent pounding in my head at 11 o'clock this morning as I waited for Ye Olde Campus Locksmith to arrive. After my first class of the day let out early, I decided it was a good time to catch up on my blogs. So I go back to my room and the door opens just fine. I set my stuff down and fired up the computer, when I felt the need to piss. Not about to ignore nature (unlike Fatass), I walk down the hallway to the bathroom. Normally I don't close the door, but I guess I was in a hurry because the door shut behind me.

So I pissed and I washed my hands. I enter the code to get back into the room. It doesn't work. I figure my hands are just wet so I wipe them off on my shirt. I enter the code again - still nothing. So I do it about 15 more times, just to make sure I'm not being an idiot. I look up at the names on the door to make sure I'm not being an idiot of Fatass-like proportions. It's my door, all right. I look at my watch. 10:55. Fuck!

So I track a janitor down, thinking they may have a key. They don't, but they offer to find the phone number. So I follow the janitor down to the basement and into their breakroom, which is actually pretty awesome. I don't know what it is about hidden breakrooms, but it makes it seem like an awesome secret club that I just want to be a part of. I digress...

So I get the phone number for the locksmith and call them up. They say they'll be a few minutes. Clock strikes 11. FUCK! So I'm tapping my feet, my inner monologue is coming up with new curse words to describe Big State U, and somehow toward the middle of it all, I get the song "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John stuck in my head. Still can't explain that one.

The guys finally show up with a brand new lock. After they get there, it's only a matter of minutes. They unscrew the screws, take out the old lock, insert the new one, screw things back in, and we're good to go (bonus points for the most creative "That's what she said" joke out of all that). However, at this point, my watch is reading 11:07. I stay outside my room, watch as the guy opens the door with no problem, and run to class without grabbing my bag. We were being assigned groups today, and I figured it would be best to be as close to on time as possible.

So I run over to the classroom and I've got to sit in front, which means looking like a jackass and walking in front of everybody to get to the fucking seat. I sit down and he has me fill out an index card. I have no pen, because my bag is in my room. This one's on me. I was in a rush, I left my back, I suck. I take my medicine like a man. So I borrow a pen and a sheet of paper. I look like an asshole, but life goes on.

See, that's the trick about college, boys and girls. There are assholes everywhere that you can spot, but you've got to be able to spot the times that you're an asshole and correct the behavior so that you're not a constant asshole like Fatass here. We go to college to learn, and only 20% of it is in the classroom... or something like that. I don't know; I'm just making this stuff up as I go along.