Dumb Shit My College Does

So before tonight's fun of phone calls, bed lounging, and tobacco smells, my original intent was to post about Big State U. Since I'm not tired and I'm currently enjoying a late night meal of a Subway sub, Baked Lays, and Diet Pepsi (commence corporate cocksucking), I figure I'll continue with the regularly scheduled programming.

So seriously, what the Christ, Big State U?

I realize that Generic Residence Hall was built in 1971, but you'd think that you'd be able to install new locks every once in a while??? I guess not.

This was the tangent pounding in my head at 11 o'clock this morning as I waited for Ye Olde Campus Locksmith to arrive. After my first class of the day let out early, I decided it was a good time to catch up on my blogs. So I go back to my room and the door opens just fine. I set my stuff down and fired up the computer, when I felt the need to piss. Not about to ignore nature (unlike Fatass), I walk down the hallway to the bathroom. Normally I don't close the door, but I guess I was in a hurry because the door shut behind me.

So I pissed and I washed my hands. I enter the code to get back into the room. It doesn't work. I figure my hands are just wet so I wipe them off on my shirt. I enter the code again - still nothing. So I do it about 15 more times, just to make sure I'm not being an idiot. I look up at the names on the door to make sure I'm not being an idiot of Fatass-like proportions. It's my door, all right. I look at my watch. 10:55. Fuck!

So I track a janitor down, thinking they may have a key. They don't, but they offer to find the phone number. So I follow the janitor down to the basement and into their breakroom, which is actually pretty awesome. I don't know what it is about hidden breakrooms, but it makes it seem like an awesome secret club that I just want to be a part of. I digress...

So I get the phone number for the locksmith and call them up. They say they'll be a few minutes. Clock strikes 11. FUCK! So I'm tapping my feet, my inner monologue is coming up with new curse words to describe Big State U, and somehow toward the middle of it all, I get the song "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John stuck in my head. Still can't explain that one.

The guys finally show up with a brand new lock. After they get there, it's only a matter of minutes. They unscrew the screws, take out the old lock, insert the new one, screw things back in, and we're good to go (bonus points for the most creative "That's what she said" joke out of all that). However, at this point, my watch is reading 11:07. I stay outside my room, watch as the guy opens the door with no problem, and run to class without grabbing my bag. We were being assigned groups today, and I figured it would be best to be as close to on time as possible.

So I run over to the classroom and I've got to sit in front, which means looking like a jackass and walking in front of everybody to get to the fucking seat. I sit down and he has me fill out an index card. I have no pen, because my bag is in my room. This one's on me. I was in a rush, I left my back, I suck. I take my medicine like a man. So I borrow a pen and a sheet of paper. I look like an asshole, but life goes on.

See, that's the trick about college, boys and girls. There are assholes everywhere that you can spot, but you've got to be able to spot the times that you're an asshole and correct the behavior so that you're not a constant asshole like Fatass here. We go to college to learn, and only 20% of it is in the classroom... or something like that. I don't know; I'm just making this stuff up as I go along.