Skipping classes all over the place

Fatass hunched over his chair
while he plays video games.

LOL = laugh out loud
LMAO = laugh my ass off
LMFAO = laugh my fucking ass off
LFO = one hit wonder / laughing, fucking off

Fatass is doing the latter. It's 2pm and it's time for Fatass to go to the class he's doing miserably in. This is the same class where he turned in his exam after 5 minutes and the professor just shook her head. Fatass is so fucked that he'll have to come back for another semester and guess what? It's not going to be with me. Fucking schmuck.

I mean, it's really not that difficult of a concept to grasp. You have a class you need in order to graduate? YOU GO TO CLASS. But instead, Fatass is just playing video game games. Just when you think he couldn't get any more useless, he goes and finds a way.

Pa Pissy has a term for guys like that - "Shit Sweepers", because all they'll ever do with their pitiful, meaningless lives is sweep shit off the street. Did I mention Pa can be an old man sometimes and harken back to a day where horse-drawn carriage was a primary mode of transport?

When I see Fatass, I also think of K-Star's great-uncle that did the exact same thing. Uncle Lazy was committed to the local hospital in their permanent care ward because all he wanted to do was absolutely nothing. I can see Fatass doing this a year from now, not 50 years down the road like Uncle Lazy. In the end, Uncle Lazy had a catheter, a colostomy bag, and was okay living like that. He died a couple of weeks ago.

I can see Fatass walking down the same road as Uncle Lazy, but he won't be nearly as quotable or nearly as interesting as Uncle Lazy. And you know why? Because Fatass is a no-good lousy douchebag that doesn't know the concepts of common courtesy or respect for others. He should have died before Uncle Lazy. If that were the case, a bigger waste of life would have been ridded from this planet.

More proof that Fatass needs to be castrated

The Do-It-Yourself cutoff sleeve shirt,
Fatass's garment of choice.

First off, let me begin this post by reminding everyone of what this blog isn't, so even though I am an American, I do not feel the need to discuss the death of any well-known terrorist, unless it's Fatass. The only thing I ask as a result of the day's news is for my dear Cousin the Fed to call for an end to full-cavity searches.

Anyway, back to the task at hand, which is why you read this blog - Fatass continually doing things to cement his place as a candidate for death via rectal trauma.

After work today, I decided to drive across the street from the store to the mall, because I needed some shorts. I had a relatively good time, despite the fact that it was clothes shopping. I browsed the stores at my own pace, gave the guy at Lids a history lesson about the Brooklyn Dodgers baseball cap (thanks Uni Watch!), and browsed for some video games.

However, my day was immediately ruined when I was walking out of the store. Fatass and Bess were walking in the opposite direction. Bess spotted me and thrusted her nose in the air like the self-righteous twat she is, but Fatass does his bullshit of staring at me until I acknowledge him. It's awkward. It's creepy. It's going to get him punched in his fat mouth if he does it to the wrong person. So I wave and quickly motor out of the mall.

The rest of the day goes by, and I figure it's going to be a Fatass free day, and it was for the most part, but as I walk to get some food, I'm talking on the phone to K-Star and pass through one of the lines. I give them the uninterested nod that shows I'm on the phone while they both awkwardly stare at me as I pass. As I walk by, I hear Fatass remark loudly, "Wowwwwww."

Listen, bitch. Not only am I not obliged to respond to any god damn utterance you make as if I'm hanging on to every syllable with rapt attention, but I am not obliged to show you any common courtesy. Lord knows you haven't shown ME any. And as for that, I WAS ON THE PHONE. I know cell phones are too much of a new fangled technology for you to comprehend, but when I'm talking into the magicy box against my ear, it means that I am talking to someone else. The someone else I was talking to you is more important to me than you will ever be to anyone else in the entire god damn world, so get down off your high horse and eat some shit and die.

I've told K-Star that I'm going to start farting on Fatass's pillow whenever he's not here. After tonight, I'm thinking that's the perfect revenge for not only his constant smell of ass, but his asshole behavior. I figure if ass is what comes out of him, ass can go into him as well. You get what you give, douche.

More video game stupidity, and a little bit of K-Star

Fatass as Keeng of teh Gamez0rz!

So on top of all the other crap that has come to define my miserable existance while at school, Fatass has now begun to haunt even my most sacred of pasttimes - video game playing.

I'm sure I've brought this up before. Every time he does something poorly because his fat fingers can't mash the correct button, he says, "god fucking dammit". Every time. So whenever he fires up the video games, I'll hear this at least 40 to 50 times.

Not to mention that the game is usually some sort of stupid ass Dragonball Z game that he adores oh so much, because he legitimately believes he's a samurai. No, I'm not making this up. Yes, I will blog about this further in the near future. Yes, that is why I have become a ninja. Ninja always beats samurai. Why, you ask? Because I'm a ninja.

So in addition to the "god fucking dammits", and the retarded Dragonball Z crap, he also raises his voice to really obnoxiously loud levels where he's trying to sound like Jar Jar Binks. Now, I don't know if he's actually SEEN the Star Wars movies, but Jar Jar was the guy that everyone wanted to kill. Of course, he does all of this to try to impress Bitchface, who swoons over him like the turd she is. When Fatass gets worked up, she'll say it's just a game and try to do whatever. To quote good ol' Grandpa George, those two are "low-grade morons who ought to be locked into portable toilets and set on fire." Meh, at least it'd get publicity.

However, I realize that I can be a little crazy with video games, and here's where K-Star is particularly saintly. Sometimes, and this will come as a shock to you, I curse at my video games when I play poorly. K-Star's sweet virgin ears likely bleed profusely when this happens, but she deals with it anyway. Now, the difference between me and Fatass is that I vary my insults up.

While Fatass will say "god fucking dammit" about ten billion times, I prefer to go the more interesting route of saying "shit eating ballfucking whore of a manslut!" Sure it's a little verbose, but it definitely gets people's attention. And you vary it up! Next time, I might say "trampstamping teabagger with mismatched socks!" Makes no sense, K-Star is probably fainted, but my displeasure has been voiced.

Now we move to differences between K-Star and Bitchface. Bitchface fawns over Fatass while he plays his video games. She smiles and watches and probably rubs his shoulders while he plays, but I can't confirm or deny because I don't care enough about their meaningless existances. I swear to Christ, if I'm in the Matrix, the Architect has one hell of a vendetta against me.

Now, K-Star will tell me if I've gone too far. If I say something offensive or start making growling noises at the screen, she'll give me a weird look and say something like, "easy there, Pissy." She NEVER says it's just a game. The reason why is because of a mutual respect we have. She respects the fact that I know it's obviously just a game that I'm allowing to consume my soul for a brief time. I respect the fact that she's also a major part of my life and I don't want to drive her away by focusing attention on computer generated monsters. So if I cross the line, she tells me so, I roll my eyes because I'm very focused on my game, and I watch my insults. Simple enough.

But with the way Fatass and Bitchface interact during video games, it's like one of those wholly unnatural 1950s "good life" stereotypes, but replace the man sitting down smoking his pipe with a fat slob mashing buttons on a video game system. Keep the image of the wife looking up at dear husband, batting her eyelashes and absolutely thrilled at the prospect of flushing his shit down the toilet later that night. Bitchface makes me want to vomit.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to castrate some of the bitch-licking asshats that dominate the world of RPGs that don't have annoying Dragonball Z characters in it.

Late Night Laundry Service



Dear Fatass,

If I were to ever be a vampire, I would
NOT SPARKLE. I'd be the OG here.
That's right Grandpa Munster.

 Fatass still has not gotten the clue that I do not like talking to him, looking at him, or being in the same room as him. His awkward attempt at conversation went a little something like this. Mind you, the sun was setting and I was wrapped up in a paper, so I hadn't bothered to turn the light on yet. Fatass enters the room, and we have this conversation.

Fatass: "I've got a question for you..."

Me: "Okay..."

Fatass: "Are you a vampire?"

Me: "Huh?"
Fatass: "You've got the lights off and I was just wondering if you sparkled."

Me: "Nah, but if I do become a vampire, you'll be the first to know."

Yeah, by me ripping your head off. Besides, vampires only sparkle in the daylight, according to the sparklevampverse. Jesus. I don't know which is sadder, the fact that he gave me a blank stare or the fact that I had to sit through that entire godawful movie. K-Star is a fan of the Twilight books, but continues to drag me to the movies because hey, she just needs to see the trainwreck. That's the justification I use to get to sleep at night.

In a random side note, despite the fact that Fatass never uses soap or flip flops, he still has the instinct to do laundry, so it's currently 1am and Fatass is currently flopping his bitchtits all over Generic Residence Hall so that he can wash and dry his clothes. I do not mind this because at least he is out of my room.

But you would think that maybe, just maybe, this would be a glimmer of hope? Well, if I'm blogging about it, you know that's not the case. Despite doing laundry, he still has Bitchface over here every day, and then talks to Bess on the phone while she was in the room. Let me paint the awkward picture for you.

Yup. Cuddled up like they were fucking dating. And you'll notice that Bitchface looks like a turd. It was originally accidental, but I decided that I like it better this way. If either of them thinks that this is going to fly in a couple weeks when finals start rolling around, they've got another thing coming. I don't care if they have to destress or if they need to diddle eachother or what. They won't be in this room, or I will personally see to it that Fatass bombs every single one of his finals. How, you ask? Defenestration. He's kinda big though, so I may need some volunteers. Any takers?

Revenge, best served funky

So I decided to get a little bit of payback tonight because of Fatass's heightened douchebaggery over the past 24 hours. Apparently, in his world, it's 11pm bedtime, and anyone that stays up later than that should be shunned.

So after this gay assed chick flick that I didn't pay attention to, no matter how much they wanted me to, they decided that the time was right to sleep. Normally, I'd shut my light off, but not tonight. K-Star and Funkmaster were having their own little party in K-Star's room, and since I'm a few hours away and I have to work in the morning, I figured I'd join too. So I used the wonders of video chat and we decided to have our own party. I bought a 2 liter of Diet Mountain Dew (nectar of Gods), and we played power hour. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's 60 shots of beer in 60 minutes. The particular power hour we played was synched to punk pop hits from the late 90s and early 00s. Awesome time.

So I turn off the main light and turn on my desk light, and start jamming away. Fatass, very irritated, looks at me jamming out and goes, "Uh, are you okay?"

Shut the fuck up, you son of a bitch. For once, I'm having a good time while you're in the room, mainly because I'm ignoring you. By you opening your fat cakehole, you're ruining my fun. So he wants to know about what I'm doing and I just tell him that it's power hour. Like I assumed, he had no fucking clue as to what I was talking about, so eat shit.

Bess is apparently another early-to-bedder, but seriously. 11pm on a Friday night. I'm not going to concede my entire god damn night just because you two want to do your own thing and go to bed early. You know what they have for that? HOTEL ROOMS. I know a Travelodge a few hours away that's just as skeevy as the two of you.

So anyway, they should just consider themselves god damn lucky that I had my headphones in the whole time. I would have made it MUCH worse than fucking Spongebob. But yeah, fuck them all. Just glad that for a night, Mr. Pissy was in the driver's seat. Fuck Fatass. Fatass sucks.

Fat fucking

So I was just settling into the blergosphere, preparing to type up my efforts of avoiding Fatass while he was at work, but just as I begin to think up a title, he comes walking into my room. Yup, my headphones are still blasting music. Yup, he still tried to talk to me. And guess who's with him! If you guessed former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, you'd be close. It's Bitchface! You know, the girl that Bess doesn't want to have over because of the clear creepiness and the belief of the entire universe that she's fucking him. So instead of saying, "Hey, Bess is coming over. You're gonna have to leave," he decides that it's cool to have Bitchface in the room.

He hangs up and then tells Bitchface, "We've got 20 minutes." Umm... 20 minutes to do what? If you're trying to get her to give you a quickie beej, that's not happening with me in the room. I may just go Izzy Alcantara on them and throw them out the window.

And now Fatass is going into the bathroom to shave. Leaving Bitchface in the room with me. She's just drawing something she calls "art", and I'm sitting here typing mean things about her on a blog. Score one for Mr. Pissed. And yup, the shirt's off, so that means that bitchtits are on display. Are you really surprised at this point? I know I'm not.

So anyway, I'm assuming that Bitchface will be hitting the bricks when Bess gets here. If not, that's just going to be plain fucking awkward. Should be a great night in Generic Residence Hall though. I'll be seeing the trifecta of people I wish would have their genitals forcibly removed so they won't ever be allowed to feel pleasure. Sounds delightful.

Apparently yesterday or today or sometime in the next year is Fatass and Bess's anniversary. You know, marking a year since he asked her to be his underage illegal lover. Oh, the memories they must share. So you know what that means for yours truly tonight, boys and girls? That's right, tonight I will be asked at some point to leave the room for an hour, without being offered anything. Normally, if I'm going to sexile someone and they would normally be in the room, I'll give them five bucks and ask them to go downtown, with the five bucks going toward the miniscule amount of gas it takes to drive downtown (since the campus IS downtown), or to get food or whatever. You know what I get? A shrug and an eyefull of asscrack. Fucking. Douchebag.

Hell, when K-Star is up, I plan our fucking around times when the room will be empty, like a normal person. I have to work tomorrow. If I were the one sexiling, I would wait until the person left for work, and then just make sure to finish things up before they came back. But nope, Fatass is a selfish fuck that will be sexiling me in the weather that's in the teens and won't think anything else of it. "But Pissy," you say, "how do you know this will happen? This seems like a lot of speculation!" How do I know? I know because it's happened before and it will happen again.

And now Fatass is asking Bess if Bitchface can go to dinner with them. If this is their anniversary and he's only taking her to the dining hall, wow buddy. But to invite Bitchface to come along too? That is the height of being a fucking cock. So now Bess is going to be a little while longer, so Bitchface is in the room. I don't know if Bitchface will be able to eat without Fatass there. I guess some mysteries are best left uncared about. But seriously, what the fuck?

And now he's pissed that Bess is calling again. He shouts, "Someone better have died!!!" Uh, wow. Just break up with her and you don't have to hide the fact you're fucking Bitchface anymore. But nope, that makes sense and that would be the decent thing to do. As we all know by now, Fatass has no decency in his entire body, and believe me, there's a LOT of body there.

So you know what I'm going to do tonight until I'm inevitably kicked out? I'm going to be That Guy. You know, the roommate that just sits on his bed and refuses to leave until something is said. Like I've said before, I'm paying $3,000 for this room, so I'm not going to do a fucking douchebag any favors.

Oh, apparently Bitchface is still having problems with her roommate and that's why she's here today. Whatever makes you sleep at night, buddy. And there it is. He wants the room for an hour at 7 o'clock. God forbid he wait until tomorrow when I'm at work to be fucking. I mean, I get it. Sex is good. It's something that I thoroughly enjoy. But come on. Grow up and realize that sometimes you can't fuck whenever you want. That's a part of being an adult. You realize that though sex is really good, you can't have it whenever you want. So now, my plan is to go to dinner at 7, and then come back at 8. You know why? Because I'm That Guy.

Anyway, my pissy mood has been mildly supressed by the fact that K-Star and her awesome roommate Funkmaster have offered to let me in on their reindeer games tonight via Skype. I'm a loser, but it's cool. AND NOW FATASS IS APOLOGIZING TO BITCHFACE THAT HE HAS PLANS TONIGHT!?!?!?!

What in the God damn fucking hell? Seriously, Bess is supposed to be your fucking girlfriend! Here's something you should try. You should try apologizing to your GIRLFRIEND for having another girl in your room every night. Anyway, I'm giving them exactly one hour. I'm going to dinner at 7, and I'm coming back at 8. You know why? That's right. It's because I'm That Guy. Get the picture? Thought so. I have no reason to be nice to this guy and drive downtown, so I'm not going to. They get one hour.

"Hold on there, toots." That's what he said to Bitchface after Bess called. He told Bitchface to hold on while he talked to his girlfriend. What. The. Fuck. Seriously, you should be the first of many in a new government program to sterilize the retarded. Maybe that's a little too Texas tough for some people, but I like it.

So now they just left. Bess is dropping her bag off in the room and then they're all going to dinner. Hope they don't go past 7 at dinner. Just sayin'. Anyway, it's time to wrap this up. If you guys feel an earthquake in your region, don't be alarmed. Just try not to think about it too much.

Postscript: As I was walking back to the room today, I was stuck behind two guys. As we crossed the street, we passed a group of girls that they deemed to be good looking. They proceed to say, "Bay-bay, can I holla?" Now, I'm not sure what this means. To my female readers, what is the proper response to that? Do you say, "Yes you may?" I'm confused.

Nahhh I don't need sleep

So Fatass seems to think that it's cool for him to turn on the TV in the morning at a normal volume, because hey, he's up so fuck everybody else!

I enjoy sleep. I enjoy sleeping until a half hour before my class, because it only takes me 15 minutes to get showered and another 5 to get dressed and be on my way to class. As for Fatass, he feels the need to wake up at 8am, wash himself off in the shower without soap or shower shoes, come back in and get changed.

Now, even when I'm asleep, I know what he's doing, so I turn to face the wall. I don't want the first thing I see in the morning to be his sweaty, hairy C cups. But then, as he's getting dressed and getting his books all set for class, he turns on the TV at a volume that would be normal for when people are, you know, acutally awake!

So I turn over and grumble. This has happened ever since we started rooming. Now, I'm used to the TV being on early in the morning. It was something set into my brain during family vacations. In the morning, dad would turn the TV onto CNN at a LOW VOLUME, and I would be vaguely aware of the morning's news. Hell, maybe that's why I check the New York Times website every morning after waking up. Anyway, the point is that it was a low volume and it was actually important things.

But with Fatass? He turns it on full volume and what does he watch? Spongebob Squarepants. I am not making this up. He turns it onto Nickelodeon and watches Spongebob. Look, Fatass. I know you like little girls and all, but watching shitty cartoons to be a child predator is something you can do in your alone time... or when you're with Bess or Bitchface. Okay? Okay.

Now, that's not to say I hate cartoons. K-Star is in a perpetual state of eye rolling when I say that I want to watch Futurama or some other cartoon. But hey, I take it in stride, and I respect K-Star enough to not watch it while she's trying to fucking sleep. You know why? Because I'm not a douchebag!

A little common goddamn courtesy goes a long way with me, and if you're starting the day off with shitty cartoons, I'm going to be miserable with you for a long time. Asshole.