Late Night Laundry Service



Dear Fatass,

If I were to ever be a vampire, I would
NOT SPARKLE. I'd be the OG here.
That's right Grandpa Munster.

 Fatass still has not gotten the clue that I do not like talking to him, looking at him, or being in the same room as him. His awkward attempt at conversation went a little something like this. Mind you, the sun was setting and I was wrapped up in a paper, so I hadn't bothered to turn the light on yet. Fatass enters the room, and we have this conversation.

Fatass: "I've got a question for you..."

Me: "Okay..."

Fatass: "Are you a vampire?"

Me: "Huh?"
Fatass: "You've got the lights off and I was just wondering if you sparkled."

Me: "Nah, but if I do become a vampire, you'll be the first to know."

Yeah, by me ripping your head off. Besides, vampires only sparkle in the daylight, according to the sparklevampverse. Jesus. I don't know which is sadder, the fact that he gave me a blank stare or the fact that I had to sit through that entire godawful movie. K-Star is a fan of the Twilight books, but continues to drag me to the movies because hey, she just needs to see the trainwreck. That's the justification I use to get to sleep at night.

In a random side note, despite the fact that Fatass never uses soap or flip flops, he still has the instinct to do laundry, so it's currently 1am and Fatass is currently flopping his bitchtits all over Generic Residence Hall so that he can wash and dry his clothes. I do not mind this because at least he is out of my room.

But you would think that maybe, just maybe, this would be a glimmer of hope? Well, if I'm blogging about it, you know that's not the case. Despite doing laundry, he still has Bitchface over here every day, and then talks to Bess on the phone while she was in the room. Let me paint the awkward picture for you.

Yup. Cuddled up like they were fucking dating. And you'll notice that Bitchface looks like a turd. It was originally accidental, but I decided that I like it better this way. If either of them thinks that this is going to fly in a couple weeks when finals start rolling around, they've got another thing coming. I don't care if they have to destress or if they need to diddle eachother or what. They won't be in this room, or I will personally see to it that Fatass bombs every single one of his finals. How, you ask? Defenestration. He's kinda big though, so I may need some volunteers. Any takers?

You watch shitty movies, I draw better art

In your fucking face, fuckwad.

Sunday Drawings

So it's Sunday, which means a new drawing for us. It's been an official Fatass-free weekend, so I haven't had much to rant about. Hopefully this will make up for it. I'm sure tomorrow he'll do more stupid shit that will piss me off, so stay tuned. I know I'm waiting with baited breath. Yeah, sarcasm. So enjoy my artwork!

The Bitch(face) is back

Well, that took what? Three, maybe four days? After the initial guilt of having Bitchface over for every day this semester, Fatass finally got over it when Bess left, and now Bitchface is back in the room, doing whatever on her laptop while Fatass just looks at the pictures like an amused toddler. As you can tell, it's another lovely day for me.

So here's how my Monday started. I woke up to see that Fatass wasn't in the room, as usual, since he has a 9 o'clock class and always leaves early. This allows me to put on a towel in my room and walk the 2 doors down to the bathroom, avoiding the hassle of trying to balance a towel, washcloth, and clothes all on one towel rack. It's just easier. So I wake up and I disrobe, and grab my towel. Wouldn't you know it, the fucker punches the code into our room. I throw the towel around me and collect my things in a hurry to get out of that potential assrape possibility. "G'morning... taking a shower, are ya?" Yeah. I am, Fatass. See this soap? THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.

I take my shower, figuring he's just forgotten something, but hey, I don't have a change of clothes in the bathroom with me, so he'd better not be there. I finish showering and come back into the room. He's still there, watching cartoons. At this point, I think he's going to molest me. I keep my towel on and change into my pants then gather my bag and get the fuck out of there before it gets any god damn creepier.

The rest of my Monday goes pretty smoothly. I ignore Fatass on my way down to lab, my classes finish up, and when I come back for the day, he's not here. Good! So I decide to do some laundry. When I get back, guess who's here! That's right! Fatass, with Bitchface sitting by his bed like a dog. Can you guess the first words out of his mouth? "Laundry day?" Nope. I decided to take all my clothes and burn them because of your horrendous stink.

So now I'm eating my dinner in my room, because I decided that I wanted to avoid the cold Big State winds. I'm eating my food, and what does Fatass do? He blows two loud, obnoxious smelly farts. Bitchface served as a temporary windscreen, but still. I ate as quick as I could and threw out the rest because he's a fucking douchebag with no sense of common goddamn courtesy. I mean, do I need to take a poll here? Do I need to ask whether it's polite to hold off on a massive shit fart until after people eat? I thought this was common sense stuff!

So now they're gone. They decided to go to dinner or, in terms Fatass can understand, "provide more fart fuel". Seriously, douchebag. Lay off the Twinkies and cabbage and maybe you'll stop the fire alarms from going off in our room.

I'll finish up today by posting what I originally wanted to talk about before he did more stupid things to piss me off. Fatass wants me to recycle and put my empty cans in this gray bin so that he can return them. Last semester, I was a naive fool and didn't realize that the recycling room in our building recycled cans. So tell me, you fat fucking shithead, why should I pay you money when you're nothing but a god damn, good for nothing, incestuous, predatorial, horrendous smelling pedophile? In my books, you owe me about eight thousand dollars. That should cover the expenses of rooming with you, plus some money for therapy.

Also, to get a better look at my room, I created that diagram of how our room is set up. From here on out, you'll see drawings appear on the blog every Sunday, showcasing my life in my glorious art.

Late Night Drawing

Just so you could get a clearer picture