More video game stupidity, and a little bit of K-Star

Fatass as Keeng of teh Gamez0rz!

So on top of all the other crap that has come to define my miserable existance while at school, Fatass has now begun to haunt even my most sacred of pasttimes - video game playing.

I'm sure I've brought this up before. Every time he does something poorly because his fat fingers can't mash the correct button, he says, "god fucking dammit". Every time. So whenever he fires up the video games, I'll hear this at least 40 to 50 times.

Not to mention that the game is usually some sort of stupid ass Dragonball Z game that he adores oh so much, because he legitimately believes he's a samurai. No, I'm not making this up. Yes, I will blog about this further in the near future. Yes, that is why I have become a ninja. Ninja always beats samurai. Why, you ask? Because I'm a ninja.

So in addition to the "god fucking dammits", and the retarded Dragonball Z crap, he also raises his voice to really obnoxiously loud levels where he's trying to sound like Jar Jar Binks. Now, I don't know if he's actually SEEN the Star Wars movies, but Jar Jar was the guy that everyone wanted to kill. Of course, he does all of this to try to impress Bitchface, who swoons over him like the turd she is. When Fatass gets worked up, she'll say it's just a game and try to do whatever. To quote good ol' Grandpa George, those two are "low-grade morons who ought to be locked into portable toilets and set on fire." Meh, at least it'd get publicity.

However, I realize that I can be a little crazy with video games, and here's where K-Star is particularly saintly. Sometimes, and this will come as a shock to you, I curse at my video games when I play poorly. K-Star's sweet virgin ears likely bleed profusely when this happens, but she deals with it anyway. Now, the difference between me and Fatass is that I vary my insults up.

While Fatass will say "god fucking dammit" about ten billion times, I prefer to go the more interesting route of saying "shit eating ballfucking whore of a manslut!" Sure it's a little verbose, but it definitely gets people's attention. And you vary it up! Next time, I might say "trampstamping teabagger with mismatched socks!" Makes no sense, K-Star is probably fainted, but my displeasure has been voiced.

Now we move to differences between K-Star and Bitchface. Bitchface fawns over Fatass while he plays his video games. She smiles and watches and probably rubs his shoulders while he plays, but I can't confirm or deny because I don't care enough about their meaningless existances. I swear to Christ, if I'm in the Matrix, the Architect has one hell of a vendetta against me.

Now, K-Star will tell me if I've gone too far. If I say something offensive or start making growling noises at the screen, she'll give me a weird look and say something like, "easy there, Pissy." She NEVER says it's just a game. The reason why is because of a mutual respect we have. She respects the fact that I know it's obviously just a game that I'm allowing to consume my soul for a brief time. I respect the fact that she's also a major part of my life and I don't want to drive her away by focusing attention on computer generated monsters. So if I cross the line, she tells me so, I roll my eyes because I'm very focused on my game, and I watch my insults. Simple enough.

But with the way Fatass and Bitchface interact during video games, it's like one of those wholly unnatural 1950s "good life" stereotypes, but replace the man sitting down smoking his pipe with a fat slob mashing buttons on a video game system. Keep the image of the wife looking up at dear husband, batting her eyelashes and absolutely thrilled at the prospect of flushing his shit down the toilet later that night. Bitchface makes me want to vomit.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to castrate some of the bitch-licking asshats that dominate the world of RPGs that don't have annoying Dragonball Z characters in it.

Late Night Laundry Service



Dear Fatass,

If I were to ever be a vampire, I would
NOT SPARKLE. I'd be the OG here.
That's right Grandpa Munster.

 Fatass still has not gotten the clue that I do not like talking to him, looking at him, or being in the same room as him. His awkward attempt at conversation went a little something like this. Mind you, the sun was setting and I was wrapped up in a paper, so I hadn't bothered to turn the light on yet. Fatass enters the room, and we have this conversation.

Fatass: "I've got a question for you..."

Me: "Okay..."

Fatass: "Are you a vampire?"

Me: "Huh?"
Fatass: "You've got the lights off and I was just wondering if you sparkled."

Me: "Nah, but if I do become a vampire, you'll be the first to know."

Yeah, by me ripping your head off. Besides, vampires only sparkle in the daylight, according to the sparklevampverse. Jesus. I don't know which is sadder, the fact that he gave me a blank stare or the fact that I had to sit through that entire godawful movie. K-Star is a fan of the Twilight books, but continues to drag me to the movies because hey, she just needs to see the trainwreck. That's the justification I use to get to sleep at night.

In a random side note, despite the fact that Fatass never uses soap or flip flops, he still has the instinct to do laundry, so it's currently 1am and Fatass is currently flopping his bitchtits all over Generic Residence Hall so that he can wash and dry his clothes. I do not mind this because at least he is out of my room.

But you would think that maybe, just maybe, this would be a glimmer of hope? Well, if I'm blogging about it, you know that's not the case. Despite doing laundry, he still has Bitchface over here every day, and then talks to Bess on the phone while she was in the room. Let me paint the awkward picture for you.

Yup. Cuddled up like they were fucking dating. And you'll notice that Bitchface looks like a turd. It was originally accidental, but I decided that I like it better this way. If either of them thinks that this is going to fly in a couple weeks when finals start rolling around, they've got another thing coming. I don't care if they have to destress or if they need to diddle eachother or what. They won't be in this room, or I will personally see to it that Fatass bombs every single one of his finals. How, you ask? Defenestration. He's kinda big though, so I may need some volunteers. Any takers?

Oh hey, I'm a college student!

Fatass studying... or looking
at online porn. Disgusting.

So it appears that after a week of pushing his diseased meat into his girlfriend, Fatass has realized that he actually has to try in order to pass and graduate this year. So normally, you'd think that he'd go into a study lab or something so that he could have complete quiet. However, as you all know by now, he's a complete inconsiderate jackass that doesn't deserve to live, so Bitchface is over here quizzing him, which means I have to listen to both of them. Thank heavens for iTunes.

So yeah, they're both sitting on the bed, and after a few hours of not studying and watching cartoons at an obnoxious volume, I'm back from dinner and here they are. Maybe I should be just give them the giant fuck you and blare my music while he tries to study. Lord knows he deserves it.

I don't even know why he bothers to acknowledge me, because I don't have the time or the desire to talk to him. If I do, it's only an excuse for him to open his cakehole. So on the average day, he asks me, "How was your day?" Fine. As someone who's not a douchebag, I'm obliged to ask about his, but I attempt to do it in a way that indicates I clearly don't care. Every single day, he replies, "Not too too bad." I wish this would be all he says to me, but no. He feels the need to try to further converse. Last night was just plain old fucking goofy, because I was settling into bed after putting my laptop down on my desk, and he goes "Good morning." What? I just ignore it, thinking he's talking in his sleep. Then he goes, "I didn't wake you, did I?" What the fuck??????

Only two and a half weeks and then finals left, then I can finally dismiss him from my life.

Permanent. Deletion.

Looooow fucking standards

Fatass on his average
Saturday afternoon.

Howdy, folks.

So it's another day, so you know what that means, right? You guessed it! More unannounced guests who just make themselves at home in my room without my permission. Today we have regular repeat offender Bitchface over. Seriously, it's like the mentally challenged criminal that is caught jumping across the counter at McDonalds to steal fries, getting arrested for it every day, and then coming back to do it again. "Derrrrrrrrrrrp I like being in yer room derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp." No, nobody likes being in my room, and you know why? Because it smells constantly like either a seafood store or a shit factory. And I got news for ya. It ain't me. I shower and put on deodorant every fucking day.

I got back from school today while Fatass was apparently in the bathroom (no, he probably didn't wash his hands. I didn't bother noticing). I sit down at my computer because that's what I do to drown out the annoying high pitched squealing of Bitchface whenever she's around Fatass. He says "it's back", as if I'm a fucking thing. Pretty sure I'm more of a man than you are, because unlike some of us, *I* don't have tits. But back to Bitchface... she apparently worships him like he's the best thing in the world. Looooooow standards!

That's the problem with people like Bess and Bitchface. I used to think that Bess was a sweet girl that was just misguided and didn't know how to be treated, but nah, she's just a bitch. However, she, like Bitchface have looooow fucking standards. Let's go over, shall we?

(SPOILER ALERT): I'm not Brad Pitt. I am not remotely attractive. I'd say I'm somewhere between Gerard Butler and Steve Buschemi. But at least I know how to act, I know how to make people laugh, and I'm not a toxic fart-ripping, inconsiderate, nosepicking fuck, so that makes me generally appealing to K-Star. I'm cool with that. I treat her with respect and I generally know how to show her a good time that doesn't involve comparing bra sizes.

However, with people like Bess and Bitchface, they're just banking on the fact that somewhere beneath all the folds and hair and sweat, there might be a penis down there. It's like an urban legend and they're the ones that think that they'll prove the world wrong by finding out that Fatass has a cock. Only problem is that it's not the penis that matters when it comes to being a man. It's about doing stuff that benefits your woman and makes her happy. Fatass has yet to grasp this and thinks that because he's got a penis, he's a man. He's also got B cups, so does that make him a lady as well?

It's really kind of pathetic that those two harpies fawn over him like he's the best thing since macaroni with cheese. He's fat, he's a douchebag, he doesn't know how to take care of himself and he doesn't know how to treat others. And now he just farted. Terrific. But because of their low standards, people like him, who should be banned from any form of pleasure, get to have their balls played with. There's something criminal about that. They're still stuck in that high school mindset that the bully and the bad boy is the one to go after, because he may put you down, but he's sooooooooooooo popular. Got news for you, bitches. He's only popular with you two and his drug addict brother, so grow up and walk away.

People like them really need to raise their standards and get out of the high school drama phase of their lives. Sure, that's fine to do between the ages of 14 and maybe 20 if you're really desperate, but once you hit junior year of college, you should realize that it's not all about people who are popular. You should look for things like happiness, love, and not having boobs bigger than yours. But hey, if you want to live in your own little dreamlands where those bitchtits are actually mountains of popular manliness that's your ticket to being awesome, you're just flat out wrong. Those bitchtits are horrendous things that will lead you into a trailer park mothering 8 state-fed babies you can't take care of. Welcome to life, bitches.

I guess it IS Easter...

The propoganda Fatass used to lure
a then-16 year old into bed with him.

... but that does NOT give you an excuse for fucking like jackrabbits for a week straight. Today I walk in from work study, figuring Fatass would be in class like he normally is, seeing that he's trying to graduate this May. Nope. He and Bess are in the room fucking.

Now, I figured that he'd at least have the common decency to say "hold on a second" while they get decent, but nope. I open the door and a blanket is being hastily thrown around them. Look, I know that Bess has spread her legs so wide this week that even Madonna is getting jealous, but I do not want or care to see their fat naked bodies pressed up against each other while the scent of Fishy Joe's fills the entire room.

I mean, I don't think it's that much to ask, really. There are almost 3 weeks left in the semester, and it's to the point where even as a communications major, I have shit to do. Right now, I'm typing away in a computer lab because I'm sexed out of my room. It's a good thing I've already finished my major project that's due on Friday. Did that this afternoon, because I had a feeling after spending every night fucking at Bess's grandma's house, they'd come back here for some afternoon delight at my own expense.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mind afternoon sex. Hell, if I wasn't so busy, I'd try to be a member of the Starland Vocal Band, but no. College ain't about this. It took me a good long while to learn that, but it's cool to do whatever on the weekends (IF YOUR ROOMMATE IS OKAY WITH IT), but once Monday hits, it's business in the mornings and afternoons.

Fatass, I've tried to talk to you about it and I've tried to reason with you, but this just crosses the line. Next time I see your fat hairy ass sticking out from under a blanket while you smother your girlfriend in your bitchtits, I am going to take that knife that you hide in your closet and chop your fucking balls off. I'm sick of this shit.

As you all can see, I've picked one hell of a time to start the blog back up. After seeing much more of Fatass and Bess than I would ever care to see, I proceeded to vomit in my mouth, like any other human being that has... what's the word I'm looking for? Oh yeah. MORALS. Anywho, after that, he has the nads to say to me, "Sorry for the mess."

Yeah, you're lucky I'm not having a bad day or I would have said something to the tune of, "Hey, if you're cool with your mantits, I guess it's not my place to compl... oh, you're talking about the clothes on the floor." Damn you, hindsight.

So now my day (and night, by association) has been ruined. I've been scarred for life, I've gotta deal with the horrific smell of the wharf in my room for the rest of the day, and I've got to actually be in my room to do the rest of my homework. I'm not sure Fatass knows what that is, unless he breaks it down into small syllables, but even then, I think he may think "home" means "pussy" and "work" means "cock". Yeah, maybe in porno films. And I've got news for ya, buddy. Your prick isn't big enough.

What I've been up to

What have I been doing?
I've been busy being a ninja, of course!

So yes, yes, yes. I'm an asshole for not updating, but I've been working hard on passing school and all that stuff, so it's taken up a significant chunk of time. I've also been busy perfecting my mad ninja skills, so as you can plainly see, I've had quite the month.

So what have you missed? Well, it seems that Bess finally turned 18, but she's still 4 or 5 years younger than Fatass, so that doesn't make it any less creepy. Bitchface has been over nearly every day to torment my soul.

Fatass has still not learned the value of wearing a shirt. And also, he apparently broke his glasses when he threw them across the room in a fit of rage. Then he had to wear contacts and then got pissed because he kept ripping them or some stupid thing. I don't pay attention to his life. I just laugh at the snippets of irrational anger. He finally apparently fixed his glasses with electrical tape, so good for him.

An interesting, douchebaggy moment that happened over the past month was when we were apparently waiting in the Subway line together. I was busy looking over an assignment I had to submit for class the next day, so I wasn't paying attention to anyone, let alone his fat fucking ass. So I guess him and Bitchface were in line right behind me and were calling me "Scruffy" to get my attention. Granted, I was growing out my beard at the time, but I do not respond to things besides my name or "Pissy". So they're both laughing about how soooooooooooo very clever they are. He finally waves his hand in front of my paper. I was about to punch him in his fat face. I told him, "yeah, busy doing schoolwork," and turned back around. Jesus Christ, he's a prick.

So yep, nothing has changed. He's still a freaking douchebag, and that probably won't be changing any time soon.

Getting pulled back in

Fatass enjoying his lunch.

Hello my pissy friends! Yes, it's been a while! I've been trying to do this whole zen thing about the situation I'm in with my fucking fatass roommate, but you know what? It didn't work. I tried letting things slide. I tried reminding myself there were only X amount of weeks left. But nope, the stupid bullshit just continues and once again, I'm at my tipping point. It's back to the point where I want to knock whatever remains of his redneck teeth down his throat.

Apparently, this week is Bess's spring break week, since, you know, SHE'S STILL IN GOD DAMN HIGH SCHOOL!!!!

So that means that Fatass has probably shoved his needledick inside her at least once a day. It must be true because it smells worst than Salty's Crabs Shack. But whatever, even hideous, ugly douchebags need sex too. Fine, whatever. What really gives me a problem is when they do it in my room when she's not even supposed to be here without him giving me 24 hours notice. Again and again I've reminded him, and again and again, he's just been too much of an inconsiderate asshole to respect it.

So Bitchface has been over every goddamn day and now that Bess is on spring break, it means that she's over too. In today's Awkward Theater, I present to you the instance where I go into my room on my break in between classes and there's Bess just laying there playing video games, Fatass nowhere to be found. I say, "oh, hi." She says nothing back. Just looks at me and goes back to her video games. Look, I know introversion. K-Star is an introvert and it takes a lot for her to talk to people, but to be an outright cold fucking bitch to the person who can easily kick you out of the room? Not smart. The only reason why I didn't was because I was leaving in a half hour. Fucking. Bitch.

So let's recap, shall we? Not only is it apparently cool to have Bitchface and Bess over whenever he goddamn well pleases, but it's also cool to just leave her in the room when I have explicitly said no lady visitors without 24 hour notice. Fucking A, he's going to piss off the wrong person and get murdered someday. And you know what? It won't be a moment too soon. Go fuck yourself, you fat fuck.