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Your favorite Pissy blogger has conducted an operation that has eliminated the importance of Fatass, the smelly, hairy wart of the world, and a domestic terrorist who was responsible for the annoyance of thousands of innocent men and women and children on the campus of Big State University.
It was nearly ten months ago that a bright August day was darkened by the sheer mass of his fat gut. The images of his atrocities are seared into our collective memory; massive B cups bouncing through a cloudless August sky, the dining hall staff collapsing to keep up with his insatiable appetite, hairy asscrack billowing up from pants that don't fit, the wreckage of peace and quiet in Generic Residence Hall, where the inaction of useless RAs caused even more heartbreak and destruction.
At yet, we know the worst images are those that were unseen to the world; the broken seats at dining hall tables, children who were forced to run from his hideous stench, parents who would never allow their children to eat that much, nearly six thousand students running from him, leaving a gaping hole in their wake.
On August 28th, 2010, in our time of grief, I pulled it together. I offered my neighbors a hand, and I offered to spend time in the library. I reaffirmed my ties to the students in my major, and my love of fresh air and sunshine. On that day, no matter where we came from, what god we prayed to, or what race or ethnicity we were, we were united as one pissy family. We were also united in our resolve to protect our noses and to bring Fatass and his horrendous smells to justice.
We quickly learned that the horrific stench wasn't from shoes or laundry, but from Fatass, a rotund man with a tiny brain and massive delusions of grandeur, which had openly declared wars on our eyes and nostrils, and was committed to being a gigantic douchebag to innocents on our campus and around the city.
So this blog was made to go to war against Fatass; to protect the innocent, our friends, and our allies. Over the last ten months, thanks to the tireless and heroic work of you, the Pissyheads, we have made great strides in that effort. We've disrupted noxious attacks on noses and strengthened our use of the English language. At Big State University, we have removed any favorable light that Fatass may have been portrayed in. Around the globe, we have worked with our friends and allies to ensure that no man, woman or child ever acts like Fatass, or anyone who is associated with him or his douchebag ways.
Yet, Fatass avoided retribution, and escaped across the hall and into Bitchface's arms. Meanwhile, his fat manboobs continued to sway across the campus, and create annoyance through his affiliates, namely Bitchface. And so, shortly after creating this blog, I directed my Big State University Pissyheads, to make the constant annoyance and hinderance of Fatass their top priority of our war against him. Even as I continued my broader efforts to disrupt, dismantle, and defeat his morale.
Then, last week, after months of painstaking work by myself and my fellow Pissyheads in the Big State University community, I was briefed that the semester was ending and that finals week had begun. It was far from certain, and it took many hours to confirm that the semester was indeed coming to a halt. I met repeatedly with my BSU Pissyheads, as we began studying for finals, and explored the possibility that we had located a problem for Fatass, in the fact that he won't have anybody to push around anymore.
And finally, last week, I determined that I had enough intelligence to take action and authorized an operation to avenge this shitty school year and bring Fatass to justice. This past week, at my direction, the Pissyheads launched an operation against Fatass, and disrupted his sex time with Bess. A small team of Pissyheads carried out the operation with extraordinary courage and capability. No Pissyheads were harmed. The took care to avoid recognition. After door knocking and phone calling, they disengaged any sexual activity and took great relief in knowing he didn't have a chance to receive pleasure.
For over two semesters, Fatass has been the leader and symbol of the word "douchebag", and has continued to plot ways to disrupt our following, our friends, and our allies. The end of the semester marks the most significant achievement to date in our community's effort to defeat douchebaggery. The end of finals does not mark the end of our efforts. There's no doubt that Fatass will continue to not shower. We must, and we will, remain vigilant at home and abroad.
As we do, we must also reaffirm that the Pissyheads are not and never will be at war with overweight people. I've made clear that our war is not against overweight people, because Fatass was not an overweight leader. He was a douchebag that took advantage of overweight people as well. Indeed, his cutoff sleeves offended overweight people in many communities, including our own. So his demise should be welcomed by all who believe in showering and human dignity.
Over these months, I've repeatedly made clear that I would take action within this room if I was able to get away with it. That is what I've done, through farting on his pillow and sweeping dust bunnies under his bed. It is important to note that my counterterrorism efforts within this room helped lead to proper retribution. Indeed, Fatass declared war against this room as well, and completely ruined the bed he slept on.
The Pissyheads did not choose this fight. It came to our shores and started with the senseless lack of respect to me. After nearly ten months of putting up with him, struggling, and sacrificing, we know well the cost of a douchebag roommate. The actions of this asshole weigh on me every time I, as author, have to write a blog about how he offended someone that wasn't me, or looking into the eyes of someone he's verbally or physically abused. So Pissyheads and BSU students understand the costs of this douchebag.
Yet, as a community, we will never tolerate our pursuit of happiness being threatened, nor stand idly by when our people have been offended. We will be relentless in defense of the innocent, and our friends and allies. We will be true to the values that make us who we are. And on nights like this one, we can say to those students that forcibly lost their peace of mind to Fatass's terror, justice has been done.
Tonight, we give thanks to the professor that failed Fatass. The Pissyheads do not see her work or know her name, but tonight, she feels the satisfaction of her grading policy at work and the result of Fatass not being able to graduate.
We give thanks to the students that didn't tolerate his bullshit. They exemplify the the professionalism, patriotism, and unparalleled courage of those who will go far in the world, and they are part of a generation that has born the heaviest share of the burden since he has come to Big State University.
Finally, let me say to those offended by the sight, smell, and bullying of Fatass, that we have never forgotten your feelings, nor wavered in our commitment to see that we do whatever it takes to prevent another attack on innocent people. And tonight, let us think back to the sense of unity that prevailed when you first read this blog. I know that it has, at times, frayed.
Yet, tonight's achievement is a testament to the greatness of our cause and the determination of the Pissyheads. The cause of securing or campus is not complete, but tonight we are once again reminded that Pissyheads can do whatever we set our minds to. That is the story of our history. Whether it's the pursuit of lame jokes or the struggle for getting his fat ass out the door, our commitment to standing up for our values, or our sacrifices to make the world a better place, let us remember that we can do these things, not just because of wealth or power, but because of who we are - one community, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Thank you. May the summer sun shine down upon you, and may the summer sun shine down on the Pissyheads across the world.
Loosely based on Presidential Address, May 1, 2011.
2 comments:
Brava, Pissy, brava!
Holy crap, this is awesome!
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