Did I wake you?

The sleeping Fatass. Picture is not of him, but damn close.

Okay, so fucking creepiness abounds. Fatass calls Bess's grandma every weekend to see if it's okay for him to come over and spend the night for weekends. Every time he calls, the first lines out of his trap are, "Hello, Alice! Did I wake you?" It's 5:28pm. And now he just hung up and is giving Bitchface a hug out in the hall. Bitchface is just kinda lurking out in the hall. She should have just stayed out there, but whatever. So tonight, it seems like I'll have the room to myself. Anyway, is it just me who finds it weird that he calls his girlfriend's grandma every weekend to see if he can come over? I mean, that just increases the pedo-factor to me. Maybe I've just been too used to his disgusting life.

So yeah, it didn't take long for me to get annoyed with Fatass. The second he walked into the room, he tried to talk to me with my headphones on AGAIN, and then told me it was cool to watch his TV. I mean, it's the lone nice gesture he's done for me since we started rooming in August, but I'm not about to touch his remote control. Besides, the whole reason why I brought my own TV was because he was constantly using it for his ever important video games.

And hey, there it is! Bitchtits are out in full force now! It actually took him 5 minutes because he had to let Bitchface into our room without my permission! So now he's going to shave apparently, so he's pulled his greasy ass hair back into a pony tail and is now going out to shave. Yep, so that means that Bitchface is leaning against his bed, watching my TV and just being creepy. Yeah, get the fuck out.

Yep, now she's talking to me. I do not have my headphones on, so I guess it's forgivable. I don't know why I'm nice and just say "uh-huh". I should really just tell her to get the fuck out of my room, but meh, I figure the blog is good enough.

So yeah, even when he fucking leaves the room, he does shit that annoys me. Why can't people be euthanized, again?

"Feeling like a freak on a leash"

Korn seems very apropros at the moment, because I have a bunch of rage pent up right now at Fatass. It was a generally good day today. Haven't seen him at all today, but have you ever had one of those feelings where your entire weekend gets ruined by one little thing? Yeah, that happened when he walked into the door. All of the nice relaxation that came about between last night and 10 minutes ago? All disappeared after he stepped his fat ass back into our room.

Big props go out to K-Star at this point. She heard that he came in the door and asked if he took his shirt off yet. She may have been a little off on the timing, but that was only because he was taking his boots off first.

So yeah, now my entire weekend is ruined, just from his fat hairy ass walking into the door. At this point, he's laying down on his bed, watching TV and munching on chips really loudly... and now he's trying to talk to me. Yup, still have headphones on. So this is really the trifecta of annoyance, and it only took him 10 minutes. He's laying down and his asscrack is hanging out, he's watching TV at a volume that's way too loud for respectful tastes, and now he's talking to me with my headphones on. To make matters worse, he doesn't know how to close his mouth when he chews his food, so I hear his lips smack in between asking me stupid shit that I'm not paying attention to. I believe he went to the Larry The Cable Guy Institute of Refined Tastes. I think he failed out after the first day.

On the plus side, it's 9:15pm, so he's probably going to be passing out soon. Still don't understand that. On the plus side, To Catch a Predator is on tonight, and I'm hoping to see his dreadful speckled mug on there. Unfortunately, there are no more new episodes, so I just have to hope that they do a random sting in his East Bumfuck hometown.

But tomorrow is the start of a new week. I'm sure I'm going to be even more pissed after a long day of school, so we'll just have to wait and see. Until then, I'm just in a holding pattern, waiting for the next retarded statement to come out of his mouth to further instigate my rage.

Fat fucking

So I was just settling into the blergosphere, preparing to type up my efforts of avoiding Fatass while he was at work, but just as I begin to think up a title, he comes walking into my room. Yup, my headphones are still blasting music. Yup, he still tried to talk to me. And guess who's with him! If you guessed former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, you'd be close. It's Bitchface! You know, the girl that Bess doesn't want to have over because of the clear creepiness and the belief of the entire universe that she's fucking him. So instead of saying, "Hey, Bess is coming over. You're gonna have to leave," he decides that it's cool to have Bitchface in the room.

He hangs up and then tells Bitchface, "We've got 20 minutes." Umm... 20 minutes to do what? If you're trying to get her to give you a quickie beej, that's not happening with me in the room. I may just go Izzy Alcantara on them and throw them out the window.

And now Fatass is going into the bathroom to shave. Leaving Bitchface in the room with me. She's just drawing something she calls "art", and I'm sitting here typing mean things about her on a blog. Score one for Mr. Pissed. And yup, the shirt's off, so that means that bitchtits are on display. Are you really surprised at this point? I know I'm not.

So anyway, I'm assuming that Bitchface will be hitting the bricks when Bess gets here. If not, that's just going to be plain fucking awkward. Should be a great night in Generic Residence Hall though. I'll be seeing the trifecta of people I wish would have their genitals forcibly removed so they won't ever be allowed to feel pleasure. Sounds delightful.

Apparently yesterday or today or sometime in the next year is Fatass and Bess's anniversary. You know, marking a year since he asked her to be his underage illegal lover. Oh, the memories they must share. So you know what that means for yours truly tonight, boys and girls? That's right, tonight I will be asked at some point to leave the room for an hour, without being offered anything. Normally, if I'm going to sexile someone and they would normally be in the room, I'll give them five bucks and ask them to go downtown, with the five bucks going toward the miniscule amount of gas it takes to drive downtown (since the campus IS downtown), or to get food or whatever. You know what I get? A shrug and an eyefull of asscrack. Fucking. Douchebag.

Hell, when K-Star is up, I plan our fucking around times when the room will be empty, like a normal person. I have to work tomorrow. If I were the one sexiling, I would wait until the person left for work, and then just make sure to finish things up before they came back. But nope, Fatass is a selfish fuck that will be sexiling me in the weather that's in the teens and won't think anything else of it. "But Pissy," you say, "how do you know this will happen? This seems like a lot of speculation!" How do I know? I know because it's happened before and it will happen again.

And now Fatass is asking Bess if Bitchface can go to dinner with them. If this is their anniversary and he's only taking her to the dining hall, wow buddy. But to invite Bitchface to come along too? That is the height of being a fucking cock. So now Bess is going to be a little while longer, so Bitchface is in the room. I don't know if Bitchface will be able to eat without Fatass there. I guess some mysteries are best left uncared about. But seriously, what the fuck?

And now he's pissed that Bess is calling again. He shouts, "Someone better have died!!!" Uh, wow. Just break up with her and you don't have to hide the fact you're fucking Bitchface anymore. But nope, that makes sense and that would be the decent thing to do. As we all know by now, Fatass has no decency in his entire body, and believe me, there's a LOT of body there.

So you know what I'm going to do tonight until I'm inevitably kicked out? I'm going to be That Guy. You know, the roommate that just sits on his bed and refuses to leave until something is said. Like I've said before, I'm paying $3,000 for this room, so I'm not going to do a fucking douchebag any favors.

Oh, apparently Bitchface is still having problems with her roommate and that's why she's here today. Whatever makes you sleep at night, buddy. And there it is. He wants the room for an hour at 7 o'clock. God forbid he wait until tomorrow when I'm at work to be fucking. I mean, I get it. Sex is good. It's something that I thoroughly enjoy. But come on. Grow up and realize that sometimes you can't fuck whenever you want. That's a part of being an adult. You realize that though sex is really good, you can't have it whenever you want. So now, my plan is to go to dinner at 7, and then come back at 8. You know why? Because I'm That Guy.

Anyway, my pissy mood has been mildly supressed by the fact that K-Star and her awesome roommate Funkmaster have offered to let me in on their reindeer games tonight via Skype. I'm a loser, but it's cool. AND NOW FATASS IS APOLOGIZING TO BITCHFACE THAT HE HAS PLANS TONIGHT!?!?!?!

What in the God damn fucking hell? Seriously, Bess is supposed to be your fucking girlfriend! Here's something you should try. You should try apologizing to your GIRLFRIEND for having another girl in your room every night. Anyway, I'm giving them exactly one hour. I'm going to dinner at 7, and I'm coming back at 8. You know why? That's right. It's because I'm That Guy. Get the picture? Thought so. I have no reason to be nice to this guy and drive downtown, so I'm not going to. They get one hour.

"Hold on there, toots." That's what he said to Bitchface after Bess called. He told Bitchface to hold on while he talked to his girlfriend. What. The. Fuck. Seriously, you should be the first of many in a new government program to sterilize the retarded. Maybe that's a little too Texas tough for some people, but I like it.

So now they just left. Bess is dropping her bag off in the room and then they're all going to dinner. Hope they don't go past 7 at dinner. Just sayin'. Anyway, it's time to wrap this up. If you guys feel an earthquake in your region, don't be alarmed. Just try not to think about it too much.

Postscript: As I was walking back to the room today, I was stuck behind two guys. As we crossed the street, we passed a group of girls that they deemed to be good looking. They proceed to say, "Bay-bay, can I holla?" Now, I'm not sure what this means. To my female readers, what is the proper response to that? Do you say, "Yes you may?" I'm confused.

And there it is!

It hasn't been seen for two days... It's disappearance has become the talk of newspeople, entertainers, college professors, and professional observers everywhere. But today, it made its return, seemingly bigger than ever before.

My friends, the crack is back. It's staring at me, trying to get me to look at it. The coarse back hair that trails down to it is attempting to tease me. It's as if his whole body thinks that it should be looked at, as if some sort of genetic marvel that combined the tits of a woman with the body hair of a man. Too bad it hasn't realized that it's disgusting and OH MY FUCKING GOD! He's got red sores on his back. Like bleeding red sores. I guess that's what happens when you don't shower, but fuck! John Mayer, in all of HIS creepiness, would say that his body is a hideous wasteland. Oh, and now he notices he's bleeding, wipes up some blood, looks at it, and rubs his ear. I may just vomit.

Oh, I forgot to mention that he's on the phone with Bess. It's a miracle, because she hasn't been here for two days. Maybe Bess got upset enough that he got the picture. So I'm trying to mind my business, but he talks awfully loud, just like most of the other things he does, so I can't help but eavesdrop.

Oh, here's something else that makes me want to lock him into a port-a-john and set it on fire (quote courtesy George Carlin)...

K-Star and I are a normal, loving couple (as far as I know). When we wish to proclaim our love over the phone, we say, in a normal voice, "I love you." This is just like most people in America. But Fatass, and I think this may go back to his desire to pork young girls, says, "I loveums you..." in this singsong voice that makes me want to slap him in the mouth. And when Bess doesn't do it back, he gets mad. He insists that she say, "I loveums you" back. Maybe it's all a part of the preteen sexual thrill for him, but for me it's something that makes me want to stab him in the throat.

Now Fatass is attempting to give Bess homework help... for the HIGH SCHOOL homework she has. HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!! Please tell me I'm not the only one who wants to call Chris Hansen on him! But apparently, she's attempting to do homework, and he's on the phone distracting her. There it is again with the "I loveums you". Here's the deal, Fatass - say that one more time, and then I'll be saying "I killums you" while stabbing him with a disposable plastic knife. Dirty fuckhead.

And now he's laying down on his back, so his hairy mantits are sticking straight up. I think he may be giving himself a self breast exam, but I'm not about to look over his way. So now, an open letter.

Dear K-Star,

Please send me a pic of your boobs so I can remember what real boobs are supposed to look like. After seeing all this manboob, I'm afraid that I may be turned off to all boobs. I need to make sure I can still get a boner from boobs. Thanks!

"I loveums you" Love,
Pissed

Seriously, it's not just my sanity that's being affected by this fuckhead. Being forced to look at his disgusting bitchtits may have turned me completely off to all tits. What Fatass does the second he enters the room is take his shirt off. Sometimes he forgets to close the door before doing so. I think he may be in love with them. I haven't seen any push-up bras around here, but I figure he's got a drawer for that. Another open letter:

To my cousin, the Fed,

Can you please come cap this bastard and make it look like an accident?

Thanks.

"I loveums you" With much family love,
Pissed

That's right. Who's got two thumbs and is in rare form tonight? This guy. Now he's saying that The Giver is a good book. Honestly, I never read it. It was required reading in 7th grade, so I obviously blew it off and made up my book reports. So I'm not sure if it's a good book, but all I can think of is homosexuality. Is Fatass seriously trying to come on to me? I'm beginning to fear for my cornhole.

To my cousin, the Fed,

Please come cap his ass ASAP.

"I loveums you" Please hurry,
Pissed

Fatass now says that he's got a lot of work to catch up on. You'd never know it, seeing as he's either on the phone with Bess or with Bitchface whenever he's not in class. Have you ever had one of those moments like in the movie Liar, Liar, where Jim Carrey's character has the convict on the phone asking for advice after being jailed again, and he just yells into the phone, "STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!!!"

Yeah, I'm feeling that right now. You want to actually get your shit done? "STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!!!" Stop talking to your barely legal girlfriend. Stop hanging out with Bitchface. Stop trying to come on to me. Maybe shower with soap every once in a fucking while. And for the love of all things holy, stop playing with your nipples, you disgusting inbred hillbilly fuck.

Here's where I'm going to have to leave you, my friends. I think I'm going to go throw up now. I leave you with one last open letter.

To my friends,

Normally I would ask you to come kill me now to put me out of my misery. However, I don't see any of this shit as my fault. If you can send all your rays of hatred toward my roommate, maybe he'll just spontaneously combust.

"I loveums you",
Pissed

LIAR!!!

Double posting because of double dumb shit!

Fatass is now talking to Bess on the phone while Bitchface is in the room. She is now leaning against Fatass's bed because I gave her the look of death. Both of them smell like tobacco from their "walk", so I want them to be nowhere near me. It's bad enough they're in the room.

But the first thing out of Fatass's mouth is that "Oh, Bitchface went back to her room to do homework." LIAR! Unless I'm taking drugs (which I'm not, though I probably should be on some antipsychotics), she is sitting RIGHT FUCKING HERE AT THE SIDE OF HIS BED LIKE A FUCKING PUPPY. Now he says she's not feeling well due to issues going on personally. Yup, so she comes here. Maybe if I break her fucking nose do something unpleasant that is not abusive like my roommate, she'll get the picture that she's not welcome here and then really have something to not feel well about. Fucking bitch.

So yup, Fatass is talking to his barely legal girlfriend... oh yeah, I forgot to mention that. He's 23. She just turned 17 a couple months ago. They've been dating over a year. I can't wait to see this guy on To Catch A Predator. Chris Hansen would have a field day with him. So anyway, he's talking to Bess and lying to her about her presence in the room. Way to go, schmuck.

And now here comes the fireworks in tonight's program. Bess says something that pisses Fatass off. This causes him to spout verbally abusive shit about how he's going to smack her the next time she's here. Lovely. Ladies and gentleman, the abusive redneck. So now I'm going to listen in to their conversation.

He wants to know why Bess is jealous of him and Bitchface. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S FUCKING HERE EVERY DAY! I would be to, you fat fuck! And then he's just rolling his eyes and brushing it off like it's nothing. But he does have a point. She does have nothing to be jealous about, because Bitchface is too old for his tastes. Oh, and now he's sorry. Sure, buddy. We'll see what happens when you talk to her tomorrow night, you swine.

AND NOW HE'S WONDERING WHAT'S BOTHERING HER!!! Jesus Christ you inbred fuck! Don't you listen at all? And now he's getting pissed about her saying, "I'm pissed about nothing." Because she realizes it does no good to argue with him. "That's what you're thinking," he says angrily. Wow, he's a hillbilly mindreader! Amazing! Read this, fuckhead, "YOU. ARE. A. DOUCHEBAG." That's what I'm thinking you preteen sister-fucking prick. What right does he have to be angry with her when Bitchface is over here every god damn night. Jesus Christ.

And now he goes ahead and slams the window open and closed. URRGGGH... FATTY ANGRY!!! FATTY SMASHHHHH! He has a bit of a problem believing she's not just saying "nothing" to get him to shut up. I'm having a bit of a problem not taking a carving knife, chopping off his tits, and choking him with them.

"Would it make you feel better if I only saw her for meals?" I don't know about Bess, but it'd make ME feel better. But Fatass is a greedy fuck, so I'm guessing that's not gonna happen.

And now he wants to know what she did in school today. You know, HIGH SCHOOL. Be right back; I'm going to go throw up now....

Okay, I'm back, and it seems the conversation has died down. Now their conversation has bored me, so I'm done with this. I'm putting my headphones in and praying he doesn't start trying to talk to me once he hangs up. We're going on an hour and a half of conversation and the past 45 minutes have been relatively tame, so I'm about to wrap this up. Hopefully this gives you a better picture.