Why I hate snow days

The Trifecta of Annoyance



 You're probably asking me, "But Pissy! How could you hate snow days? They're glorious inventions you can only get while in school and your schedule for the day is completely free!" Here's how.

I woke up at 7:30am to find that Big State University is closed for the day. I then went back to bed. Fatass MUST have heard me, because I was farting the entire time as payback for his shit farts. So I go back to sleep around 8am, and then sleep until about noon, because hey, it's a snow day. BUT!!!! At 10:30am, Fatass opens the door and goes, "Hey... you know it's a snow day, right?" Nope, I'm just sleeping through my 9am class and 10am lab for the fuck of it! Jesus fucking Christ. Do NOT wake me up for stupid shit. He's lucky I didn't cut his tits off with his own knife.

So then, after rudely waking me up, he turns on the god damn fucking TV. Why? Because he's Fatass and he's up at 10:30! Fuck everybody else! There are only two people in this world I will listen to when they tell me to wake up, and that's Ma and Pa Pissy. If Fatass wants to be a complete cock and try to wake me up by example, I'm just going to keep doing shit he hates, like not take out the trash and not give him my empty cans for free.

So when I roll out of bed at noon, I find that I have the room to myself, figuring that Fatass went to go pork Bitchface in her room or something. But at around quarter after, they're back in the room. Still no asking me if it's okay. Still no common god damn courtesy. Just a condescending "GOOD AFTERNOON" like Ma Pissy would say after I stumble down the stairs at the same time. Seriously, a TV to his fat fucking face is sounding pretty good right now.

Then enter both him and Bitchface. Bitchface plugs her laptop in and is now sitting at the side of my bed while Fatass is laying on his bed with his gut flopped out all over it. Asscrack is, of course, in full view. I'm listening to my iTunes with my headphones in, so what does he do? You guessed it! He asks me the same god damn thing he always does. "Oh, I didn't wake you, did I?" Oh, no. Your obnoxiously loud stupid assed statement about school being closed did NOT wake me up, even though I mumbled something incoherently and then threw my head back down on the pillow. Shut the fuck up, you fat inbred hick. The Trifecta of Annoyance has been complete. I mean, the Triforce is right there, and I'm making a wish for them to get the fuck out until my dying day, but nooooo. I guess I don't possess a balance of the virtues. God dammit.

So yeah, in a nutshell, fuck snow days.

You think you're a tough guy?

Fatass thinks he rules. He shall
suffer the same fate as O'Doyle here.

So on top of being the world's biggest incestuous douchebag, Fatass is a pretty big bully, especially to those who are smaller than him. There have been plenty of stories from sources other than me on the campus of Big State University about how Fatass has pushed them around, threatened them, and threatened their friends and family. Now, the reason why he hasn't done this to me is because I just don't give a fuck. He could say "well hello there" in his creepy assed way, or he could say "I'm going to kill you" in his creepy assed way, and all I'll hear is just a droning noise because I have my headphones on. You see? I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic.

But he doesn't think he'll ever get in trouble for anything forever, because he's Boris Grishenko. He's een-veen-cee-bull.

But there's one thing that scares the fuck out of Fatass. And no, it's not just soap. Every other night or so, Fatass will spend at least 20 minutes staring out at the parking lot to make sure nobody comes out. He constantly asks me, "Hey, do you see a red truck out there?" Again, I don't hear a thing because my headphones are fucking on, so he looks himself, and then sits back down on his bed like he's about to wet himself.

My guess is that he tried his Grishenko shit to the wrong redneck and he thinks they'd form an angry mob that's going to come track him down. Unfortunately, he still suffers from delusions of grandeur, so the mob is all in his head. Besides, if they haven't showed up and he's been waiting since August, shouldn't you get the hint? Or are they the mafia or something? Either way, nope, I still don't care.

So Fatass, you have to decide. Are you gonna be a bully or are you gonna be a pussy? Oh, wait. THEY'RE ONE IN THE FUCKING SAME. Go back to the sewer you came from, you fat fuck.

Piece of human garbage



Fatass, if he knew how to use a computer

 So yesterday was a peculiar day, because Fatass wasn't around. It wasn't long before I was able to realize why. He was off to visit Bitchface, but if Bess called, I should let him know. Uhh... how? Not only do I not know where Bitchface lives (nor do I care), but you don't have a fucking cell phone, computer, pager, or anything else that would connect you to modern civilization. It's just as well, you're just a piece of human garbage anyway.

So anyway, I gather that he's still sneaking around on Bess, spending hours on end in Bitchface's room, yet continually wants to string Bess along for the ride while he rubs clits with Bitchface. Seriously, this kid has issues, and I really want to just remove all of his teeth with a pair of pliers. Yes, I know. It's shocking he even has teeth.

But he was bragging to Bess on the phone yesterday that he had lost 30 pounds since the beginning of the semester. Funny, I don't see any new clothes, belts, or any change whatsoever in his weight. He's still a fat fuck with tits just about the size of K-Star's, and still proudly shows off his fat asscrack. That isn't a sign of losing weight; that's a sign of a broken scale.

So last night, after returning from his whatever-the-fuck-he-was-doing with Bitchface, he comes in. I'm watching a TV show on my computer, which means my headphones are in. Why do I listen with my headphones in when nobody's around? Meh, I don't know. It's habit from back home, I guess. Anyway, what does he do when he walks in? That's right! He starts talking to me! And then guess what? Wow, if you guessed, "he took off his shirt to give his tits some air," you're 2-for-2! So not only is he talking to me about Lord only knows what, which makes me pull my headphones away, he then proceeds to say something about, "oh, my night wasn't too bad."

I don't know how I can make this any clearer, so maybe outside intervention will help. Ladies and gentlemen, to try to get the message across to Fatass, I present to you Penn Jillette...

Fatass,

That is all.

Did I wake you?

The sleeping Fatass. Picture is not of him, but damn close.

Okay, so fucking creepiness abounds. Fatass calls Bess's grandma every weekend to see if it's okay for him to come over and spend the night for weekends. Every time he calls, the first lines out of his trap are, "Hello, Alice! Did I wake you?" It's 5:28pm. And now he just hung up and is giving Bitchface a hug out in the hall. Bitchface is just kinda lurking out in the hall. She should have just stayed out there, but whatever. So tonight, it seems like I'll have the room to myself. Anyway, is it just me who finds it weird that he calls his girlfriend's grandma every weekend to see if he can come over? I mean, that just increases the pedo-factor to me. Maybe I've just been too used to his disgusting life.

So yeah, it didn't take long for me to get annoyed with Fatass. The second he walked into the room, he tried to talk to me with my headphones on AGAIN, and then told me it was cool to watch his TV. I mean, it's the lone nice gesture he's done for me since we started rooming in August, but I'm not about to touch his remote control. Besides, the whole reason why I brought my own TV was because he was constantly using it for his ever important video games.

And hey, there it is! Bitchtits are out in full force now! It actually took him 5 minutes because he had to let Bitchface into our room without my permission! So now he's going to shave apparently, so he's pulled his greasy ass hair back into a pony tail and is now going out to shave. Yep, so that means that Bitchface is leaning against his bed, watching my TV and just being creepy. Yeah, get the fuck out.

Yep, now she's talking to me. I do not have my headphones on, so I guess it's forgivable. I don't know why I'm nice and just say "uh-huh". I should really just tell her to get the fuck out of my room, but meh, I figure the blog is good enough.

So yeah, even when he fucking leaves the room, he does shit that annoys me. Why can't people be euthanized, again?

Well, now that you mention it...

So after I get out of my night class, I decided that it'd be a good idea to go over to the ol' place of employ and pick up my paycheck and maybe buy some orange juice at some point. I made up my mind about this in class while attempting to listen to my professor. Oops. Anyway, class lets out and I call up K-Star, because she's got a nice schedule where she has NOTHING on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and she takes a genuine interest in how my day was. So I give her a call as I'm walking back into my room. Nothing abnormal there, right? Right.

I walk back into my room, wrap my bag around one of my bedposts, walk over to my desk and grab my keys and wallet, and then walk out the door without so much as a hello to Fatass, who incidentally is on the phone with Bess. I figured that was a good thing, because it allowed me to not talk to him since he was preoccupied.

So I come back to my room and see that I'm alone. I settle in and then Fatass comes back in, ruining my day entirely. While I have my headphones on (sensing a pattern here?), he asks me if he pissed me off that badly. I had to stop for a moment and think of all the things he could have done to piss me off. I think he gave me a weird look because it took me a few minutes to reminisce about all the shit that he's done in the past seven months. It finally dawns on me that he's talking about my hasty exit from the room while talking to K-Star.

So yeah, sure. Why not? Yeah, you pissed me off that much. Of course, I'm not going to say that to your face, you disgusting bag of horse shit. If I had a choice, I'd be rooming alone, but again, thanks to Big State's fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine education system, I'm stuck here with your fat ass. Is it spring break yet? Seriously, I want to strangle this bastard.

Phone etiquette

So we all know that Fatass has some serious verbal abuse issues when talking to Bess on the phone. What I never expect is Bess giving me attitude just because Fatass isn't there to take her call. Granted, I get why she's pissed. Fatass is probably off porking Bitchface in a dirty basement, and Bess isn't happy about it. I understand. And the other big problem is that Bess is just a hint above the age of consent, so she doesn't know any better. Fatass is her sweetheart while she was in high school (even though he was in college when they started dating). So she's got these rose colored glasses on and he's just fucking with her. However, don't shoot the messenger, bitch.

Honestly, I haven't seen much of Fatass today, aside from 10 minutes after I got back from dinner. He had his shirt off and started talking to me after I had my headphones on. However, Bitchface wasn't there, so the Trifecta of Annoyance was not complete. Anyway, he left to go do some stupid thing, so it's actually been a pretty Fatass free day. However, I still feel rage bottling up inside. I must really have issues, but I'm going to do the healthy thing that millions of Americans do every day and let it out on somebody else. It's only natural, right? Bess does it to me when I answer the phone, so I'm gonna let out my rage on another person that should have his body dragged through the streets of Rome.

I have no fucking clue why, but I am Facebook friends with a highly annoying excuse of a person who seems to think that his minor accomplishments are stuff of the gods and he should have his feet kissed for them. As a part of his Facebook bio, he proudly states that he was the "Valedictorian of Senior Magazine Sales" at his high school. I am not making this up.

I'm tempted to write on his wall and say, "Hey, Mr. Self-Important Bag of Shit Nobody Cares About! I think of your senior magazine sales on the same level as the latest guy or guys the Kardashians are banging." For those of you who are wondering, I don't give a flying fuck about either.

Nobody freaking cares about high school, not even high school professionals. Now, before I get angry comments and emails saying that I don't understand the rigors of the high school teachers in Big State, let me tell you this. I know enough about public education to see someone get pushed through if it's needed. I've seen enough "star athletes who struggle just a wee bit" get forced through trig and calculus just so that they can get their diploma and then the big scholarship so that they can go to a big school and put tiny little East Bumfuck on the map as the Hometown of Joe Beercan. I've also seen enough shit go down in guidance counselors' offices to be shocked and appalled at the way transcripts are treated. I've seen situations where transcripts weren't sent out at all because, "Oops, I forgot." That's not to say that there aren't dedicated, caring individuals working in public education. It's that the great majority of them don't give a shit.

Anyway, back to our original tangent. The only people that care about high school are college admissions offices, and even then, they don't care about high school if you're transferring in. If you're a freshman, they don't even care if you were the "valedictorian of senior magazine sales". All they care about are SAT and ACT scores, your high school GPA, and they want to see that you did a few extracirriculars just to make sure you weren't just twiddling your dick for four years.

So here's the deal, Mr. Facebook Fuckhead. Do something notable in college aside from making minor things into delusionally earth shattering life events. Maybe get a hobby or stop masturbating into condoms and go get laid for real. No, on second thought, I take that back. People of your breed should not be permitted to spill your seed into the gene pool.

Yeah, I'm probably being hypocritical right now. I'm probably not giving people the proper consideration to make fair decisions. Hell, I'll be the first to tell you that I make things out to be a big deal, but not on this scale. You don't see me bragging on Facebook with the accomplishment, "Biggest Dump in Pissy Household, 2008".

And now guess who's back in the room. He's now laying on his bed "studying", but is really talking to himself and humming to himself. Oh, and yeah. He took his shirt off right after walking in the door, so don't even bother asking. Today just keeps getting better and better.

"Feeling like a freak on a leash"

Korn seems very apropros at the moment, because I have a bunch of rage pent up right now at Fatass. It was a generally good day today. Haven't seen him at all today, but have you ever had one of those feelings where your entire weekend gets ruined by one little thing? Yeah, that happened when he walked into the door. All of the nice relaxation that came about between last night and 10 minutes ago? All disappeared after he stepped his fat ass back into our room.

Big props go out to K-Star at this point. She heard that he came in the door and asked if he took his shirt off yet. She may have been a little off on the timing, but that was only because he was taking his boots off first.

So yeah, now my entire weekend is ruined, just from his fat hairy ass walking into the door. At this point, he's laying down on his bed, watching TV and munching on chips really loudly... and now he's trying to talk to me. Yup, still have headphones on. So this is really the trifecta of annoyance, and it only took him 10 minutes. He's laying down and his asscrack is hanging out, he's watching TV at a volume that's way too loud for respectful tastes, and now he's talking to me with my headphones on. To make matters worse, he doesn't know how to close his mouth when he chews his food, so I hear his lips smack in between asking me stupid shit that I'm not paying attention to. I believe he went to the Larry The Cable Guy Institute of Refined Tastes. I think he failed out after the first day.

On the plus side, it's 9:15pm, so he's probably going to be passing out soon. Still don't understand that. On the plus side, To Catch a Predator is on tonight, and I'm hoping to see his dreadful speckled mug on there. Unfortunately, there are no more new episodes, so I just have to hope that they do a random sting in his East Bumfuck hometown.

But tomorrow is the start of a new week. I'm sure I'm going to be even more pissed after a long day of school, so we'll just have to wait and see. Until then, I'm just in a holding pattern, waiting for the next retarded statement to come out of his mouth to further instigate my rage.

Revenge, best served funky

So I decided to get a little bit of payback tonight because of Fatass's heightened douchebaggery over the past 24 hours. Apparently, in his world, it's 11pm bedtime, and anyone that stays up later than that should be shunned.

So after this gay assed chick flick that I didn't pay attention to, no matter how much they wanted me to, they decided that the time was right to sleep. Normally, I'd shut my light off, but not tonight. K-Star and Funkmaster were having their own little party in K-Star's room, and since I'm a few hours away and I have to work in the morning, I figured I'd join too. So I used the wonders of video chat and we decided to have our own party. I bought a 2 liter of Diet Mountain Dew (nectar of Gods), and we played power hour. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's 60 shots of beer in 60 minutes. The particular power hour we played was synched to punk pop hits from the late 90s and early 00s. Awesome time.

So I turn off the main light and turn on my desk light, and start jamming away. Fatass, very irritated, looks at me jamming out and goes, "Uh, are you okay?"

Shut the fuck up, you son of a bitch. For once, I'm having a good time while you're in the room, mainly because I'm ignoring you. By you opening your fat cakehole, you're ruining my fun. So he wants to know about what I'm doing and I just tell him that it's power hour. Like I assumed, he had no fucking clue as to what I was talking about, so eat shit.

Bess is apparently another early-to-bedder, but seriously. 11pm on a Friday night. I'm not going to concede my entire god damn night just because you two want to do your own thing and go to bed early. You know what they have for that? HOTEL ROOMS. I know a Travelodge a few hours away that's just as skeevy as the two of you.

So anyway, they should just consider themselves god damn lucky that I had my headphones in the whole time. I would have made it MUCH worse than fucking Spongebob. But yeah, fuck them all. Just glad that for a night, Mr. Pissy was in the driver's seat. Fuck Fatass. Fatass sucks.

Fat fucking

So I was just settling into the blergosphere, preparing to type up my efforts of avoiding Fatass while he was at work, but just as I begin to think up a title, he comes walking into my room. Yup, my headphones are still blasting music. Yup, he still tried to talk to me. And guess who's with him! If you guessed former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, you'd be close. It's Bitchface! You know, the girl that Bess doesn't want to have over because of the clear creepiness and the belief of the entire universe that she's fucking him. So instead of saying, "Hey, Bess is coming over. You're gonna have to leave," he decides that it's cool to have Bitchface in the room.

He hangs up and then tells Bitchface, "We've got 20 minutes." Umm... 20 minutes to do what? If you're trying to get her to give you a quickie beej, that's not happening with me in the room. I may just go Izzy Alcantara on them and throw them out the window.

And now Fatass is going into the bathroom to shave. Leaving Bitchface in the room with me. She's just drawing something she calls "art", and I'm sitting here typing mean things about her on a blog. Score one for Mr. Pissed. And yup, the shirt's off, so that means that bitchtits are on display. Are you really surprised at this point? I know I'm not.

So anyway, I'm assuming that Bitchface will be hitting the bricks when Bess gets here. If not, that's just going to be plain fucking awkward. Should be a great night in Generic Residence Hall though. I'll be seeing the trifecta of people I wish would have their genitals forcibly removed so they won't ever be allowed to feel pleasure. Sounds delightful.

Apparently yesterday or today or sometime in the next year is Fatass and Bess's anniversary. You know, marking a year since he asked her to be his underage illegal lover. Oh, the memories they must share. So you know what that means for yours truly tonight, boys and girls? That's right, tonight I will be asked at some point to leave the room for an hour, without being offered anything. Normally, if I'm going to sexile someone and they would normally be in the room, I'll give them five bucks and ask them to go downtown, with the five bucks going toward the miniscule amount of gas it takes to drive downtown (since the campus IS downtown), or to get food or whatever. You know what I get? A shrug and an eyefull of asscrack. Fucking. Douchebag.

Hell, when K-Star is up, I plan our fucking around times when the room will be empty, like a normal person. I have to work tomorrow. If I were the one sexiling, I would wait until the person left for work, and then just make sure to finish things up before they came back. But nope, Fatass is a selfish fuck that will be sexiling me in the weather that's in the teens and won't think anything else of it. "But Pissy," you say, "how do you know this will happen? This seems like a lot of speculation!" How do I know? I know because it's happened before and it will happen again.

And now Fatass is asking Bess if Bitchface can go to dinner with them. If this is their anniversary and he's only taking her to the dining hall, wow buddy. But to invite Bitchface to come along too? That is the height of being a fucking cock. So now Bess is going to be a little while longer, so Bitchface is in the room. I don't know if Bitchface will be able to eat without Fatass there. I guess some mysteries are best left uncared about. But seriously, what the fuck?

And now he's pissed that Bess is calling again. He shouts, "Someone better have died!!!" Uh, wow. Just break up with her and you don't have to hide the fact you're fucking Bitchface anymore. But nope, that makes sense and that would be the decent thing to do. As we all know by now, Fatass has no decency in his entire body, and believe me, there's a LOT of body there.

So you know what I'm going to do tonight until I'm inevitably kicked out? I'm going to be That Guy. You know, the roommate that just sits on his bed and refuses to leave until something is said. Like I've said before, I'm paying $3,000 for this room, so I'm not going to do a fucking douchebag any favors.

Oh, apparently Bitchface is still having problems with her roommate and that's why she's here today. Whatever makes you sleep at night, buddy. And there it is. He wants the room for an hour at 7 o'clock. God forbid he wait until tomorrow when I'm at work to be fucking. I mean, I get it. Sex is good. It's something that I thoroughly enjoy. But come on. Grow up and realize that sometimes you can't fuck whenever you want. That's a part of being an adult. You realize that though sex is really good, you can't have it whenever you want. So now, my plan is to go to dinner at 7, and then come back at 8. You know why? Because I'm That Guy.

Anyway, my pissy mood has been mildly supressed by the fact that K-Star and her awesome roommate Funkmaster have offered to let me in on their reindeer games tonight via Skype. I'm a loser, but it's cool. AND NOW FATASS IS APOLOGIZING TO BITCHFACE THAT HE HAS PLANS TONIGHT!?!?!?!

What in the God damn fucking hell? Seriously, Bess is supposed to be your fucking girlfriend! Here's something you should try. You should try apologizing to your GIRLFRIEND for having another girl in your room every night. Anyway, I'm giving them exactly one hour. I'm going to dinner at 7, and I'm coming back at 8. You know why? That's right. It's because I'm That Guy. Get the picture? Thought so. I have no reason to be nice to this guy and drive downtown, so I'm not going to. They get one hour.

"Hold on there, toots." That's what he said to Bitchface after Bess called. He told Bitchface to hold on while he talked to his girlfriend. What. The. Fuck. Seriously, you should be the first of many in a new government program to sterilize the retarded. Maybe that's a little too Texas tough for some people, but I like it.

So now they just left. Bess is dropping her bag off in the room and then they're all going to dinner. Hope they don't go past 7 at dinner. Just sayin'. Anyway, it's time to wrap this up. If you guys feel an earthquake in your region, don't be alarmed. Just try not to think about it too much.

Postscript: As I was walking back to the room today, I was stuck behind two guys. As we crossed the street, we passed a group of girls that they deemed to be good looking. They proceed to say, "Bay-bay, can I holla?" Now, I'm not sure what this means. To my female readers, what is the proper response to that? Do you say, "Yes you may?" I'm confused.